food and butts

sometimes when i'm alone and trying to do things i call myself little nicknames as encouragement. for example, just now when i wanted to take a bite of a raw sausage because i'm hungry and don't wait to wait til it's cooked, i said, "eat a carrot instead, ya dumb bitch!" and then i did!

one time one of my best friends said to me, "you know your blog is only about how gross food is and how stupid computers are, right? you know that." and that's when i knew i'd found my niche! though i'd say over the years i've introduced more butt stuff into the mix. jokes about farts and toilets and such.

but really what's happening right now is i need to blog more, so here i am, and expect just a bunch more posts like this until i get good at blogging again.

"thanks for your patients!" -evil doctor after burning down his nemesis doctor's medical practice building and sending an introductory letter to all of his patients (he says it from behind a bush so no one hears him)

my new toaster oven!!

Summer Memories

It was a sweltering August evening, the kind that makes your toenails slide off your toes. I'd just finished shucking the corn out on the front porch for Ma when I saw him ride up on his motorcycle. He must've stopped to check his back tire, because he got off and looked at his back tire. I sat up and looked at him.

He had a broken-in black leather face and ripped jeans that went all the way up to his legs. When he leaned over to check the tire, a loose tendril of dirty blond hair fell over his forehead. He ran his chicken fingers through those honeyed locks it in a way that could only be described as "sultry golf dad." I was hooked like a golf dad on chicken fingers (w/honey mustard sauce).

I could tell he wanted to stop in for a glass of lemonade mixed with whole milk, but something wouldn't let him. Was it the look in my eyes? The scent of perspiration in the air around my armpits and crotch? Or was it the stuffed dog he had strapped into his sidecar that clearly wanted to go home now for sleepy bed-bye time?

I'll never know what was going through that crazy, ding-dong brain of his when he peeled out, giving me a single nod of the head, wink of the eye, and wink of the other eye, twice, as if he was trying to tell me the letter W in morse code. I stood as he rode on, into the wavy blur of the horizon, leaving only the sounds of crickets and my own heart beating those crickets to death with a teeny tiny meat cleaver behind.

I never saw him again — that white buffalo of a shadow of a mystery of a ghost of a man — but I never forgot him either. And here I am, 17 minutes later, still wondering if he ever thinks about me, just a girl in the top half of a spacesuit, shucking corn on the front porch on that hot, beefy August night.

Buzzfeed: 19 things that'll make you go "I remember that!"

19. Tetris

18. Roller skates

17. Troll dolls

16. Flare jeans

15. Beads

14. Certain kinds of ice cream or candy

13. Those Kaboodle things

12. Last Christmas

11. Movies for children

10. Privacy

9. Imagination

8. Ring Pops

7. Jumping on the trampoline

6. "Real" America

5. Being smaller

4. The things your parents wished for you

3. Smurfs

2. A general sense of hope and optimism about the world around you

1. Cap guns

new name, same great two-headed calf!

after years of declining ticket sales, Ripley's Believe It or Not decided to freshen up its brand:

dare to prepare

in honor of national preparedness month, which was in september, i'd like to talk about ways you can be prepared for the worst.

EARTHQUAKES

here in portland, we're due for a huge earthquake that will destroy everything and no one will be able to leave or contact their families for approximately 3-4 months (source).

what are you going to do?

might i suggest the ipad game "jelly splash." you connect the different color jellies to complete the level, but with an endless variety of challenges and bonuses, you can literally play this game for HOURS. trust me, you will not get bored while stuck under the rubble of your apartment building waiting for emergency rescue personnel to find you.

FIRES

the best thing you can do in a fire situation is run away from it. do you have sneakers? are they the sneakers you want to wear in a fire, getting soot all over them? and good luck getting that smoke smell out! no, you do not have sneakers. go to nordstrom rack and sign up for their credit card -- you get a $20 coupon for every $1,000 you spend there!

SERIAL KILLERS 

honestly, serial killers are pretty clever, otherwise they'd just be your average run-of-the-mill murderer. so there's not much you can do to prepare for a serial killer besides make sure your facebook profile pic is the one you want on the news.

WHEN YOU BROUGHT YOUR LUNCH TO WORK BUT IT'S NOT VERY SATISFYING

just go to chipotle!

well, i hope you feel more prepared. i definitely feel like i've done a good deed by sharing these tips with you. you kind of owe me one. so if there's an emergency, and i come to your house, you should split any food and water you have in your emergency preparedness kit with me. the only way we're going to survive this... is together. 

a visitor

hi, i'm white and i'm right outside your window. what am i?

a jehovah's witness? nope: a ghost. try again.

have you heard the good news? i was just wondering -- i haven't really heard any news since i became a ghost. "current events" aren't really a thing since my time is eternal now. earthquakes? plagues? meh, talk to me in 10,000 years when i'm still here, just hanging out.

that's why i ask about good news, it cheers me up for a minute. but what's a minute, anyway? i bet you think you know what a minute is. "oh it's 60 seconds, or 1/60th of an hour." great job, math boy. go pick up your trophy from the principal's office. guess what? everyone you love will die.

i'm sorry, i'm having a rough time. i'll leave. it's fine. there are other windows, other living souls out there. enjoy your dinner. that pasta looks amazing. enjoy it while you can.

Parenting Tips for Dogs

Birth

• DO give birth to all your puppies, even if you're tired.
• DON'T forget to eat the placenta! It's good for you!
• DO hold still while they're feeding.
• DON'T pick favorites. Each puppy is special in its own way. Except for the runt — that one is clearly not going to be a good dog.

The First Few Days

• ...That's pretty much it! They're going to be fine. They're dogs.

cat chat

cat chat.

rubber bands wow!

1-800-RUB-BERB