Feb 11, 2016
Nov 9, 2015
Taco Bells of Iceland: #1 (on the way to the Reykjavik airport)
That's right, my friends! Your favorite series where I review local Taco Bells is back, and this time it's "betra" than ever: because it's from Iceland!
When I told people I was going to Iceland they said, "Try the whale blubber!" "Eat a puffin!" "If you hold your nose the fermented shark isn't that bad!" And to that I said: "Nei takk."
I may be an adventurous eater, but I listen to what my body wants. If I'd woken up craving fermented shark, fermented shark I'd eat. But after 16 days abroad eating local cuisines and fancy restaurant food, there was one thing my body wanted, and one thing my body got.
Taco Bell.
Let me back up: Iceland is a magical place. My first full day there I saw five rainbows. FIVE -- two of which were a double rainbow, and one beamed right down onto a waterfall. I soaked in two natural hot springs right out there in nature. I sat in a sauna powered by a GEYSER. Like, I get why all Icelanders are musicians and artists. Just look at this place!
So it was almost no surprise to me when I saw a Taco Bell on the way to the airport. I'd been so blessed already, it just made sense. And I'd left with plenty of time for a side of adventure.
When I pulled up, I had to make sure they actually had my meal -- Grilled Stuft Burrito with beef, no guacamole or avocado ranch, side of nachos and a small Pepsi. The Reykjavik Taco Bell has a limited menu, but that's probably because they know what works and what's a waste of time. The GSB combo was T6 -- the last combo. I breathed a sigh of relief and ordered a T6.
"Do you want the menu?" The intercom woman asked.
"No, I can see it, thanks! I'll just have the Grilled Stuft Burrito combo please," I replied.
"The menu?" She persisted.
"The burrito with the nachos and Pepsi?" I asked.
"Yes, the menu!"
We'd had a breakthrough. "Menu" is Icelandic for "combo!" Culture. Learning. Sharing. This is what travel is all about, folks.
So I ordered the GSB menu and pulled forward to the window, which turned out to be a surprise and a delight. Now, in addition to being magical, Iceland is really windy. Like the windiest place I've ever been -- I almost fell over trying to take a selfie in front of a different waterfall. How do you exchange money for food in such wind, you might be asking. Well my friend, these industrious islanders solved that problem long ago. Check out this window system:
You're supposed to strap your money in (I just laid it down, like a tourist) and it swivels around to the indoors, and they do the same with your food and swivel it back out to you! Ingenuity. Art. Burritos.
The meal cost me 1,329 kr, which is about $10 which yes, is the most I've ever paid for the GSB combo. But I wasn't about to skip out on the chance to eat my favorite meal in my favorite place just to save $3.
I pulled into a parking spot and took a bite. So...
Imagine if a bad guy broke into your house and held a gun to your head and said "Make me a burrito!" and you're like "Oh gosh, do I even have all the ingredients for a burrito??" But he doesn't care, he's a bad guy and he's HUNGRY. So you pull out some kind-of stale tortillas, some ground beef, and a bag of Mexican cheese you have leftover from a party for some reason. You microwave all that, then put it on the stove for a second for that authentic grilled effect. You feed it to the bad guy, praying he'll accept the dry, tasteless disaster you just served him as an actual burrito.
Listen, it wasn't good. But if I'm the bad guy in this situation, I accept it and I don't shoot anyone in the head. These guys are on a tiny island in the arctic reaches of the globe -- they don't have access to the same fresh, delicious ingredients you and I do here in America! Was it the worst GSB I've ever had by a long shot? Absolutely. Do I regret any part of this experience? Get out of my face for even asking.
As far as the rest of the menu was concerned, the chips were way too salty, but it's good to know that nacho cheese and Pepsi are the same across the globe. If you ever need to taste the comforts of home, just get yourself a little plastic cup of bright orange cheese goo. Like milk from a mother's teat.
In the end, I learned that what Iceland lacks in Mexican seasoning, it makes up for in natural beauty. It may not have soft tortillas, but it does have a special place in my heart. It may not be able to make a burrito to save its life, but it should stay alive for other reasons, like geysers, and puffins, and that really cool window contraption. Ég elska Ísland.
ambericaonline's rating: 5 rainbows
When I told people I was going to Iceland they said, "Try the whale blubber!" "Eat a puffin!" "If you hold your nose the fermented shark isn't that bad!" And to that I said: "Nei takk."
I may be an adventurous eater, but I listen to what my body wants. If I'd woken up craving fermented shark, fermented shark I'd eat. But after 16 days abroad eating local cuisines and fancy restaurant food, there was one thing my body wanted, and one thing my body got.
Taco Bell.
Let me back up: Iceland is a magical place. My first full day there I saw five rainbows. FIVE -- two of which were a double rainbow, and one beamed right down onto a waterfall. I soaked in two natural hot springs right out there in nature. I sat in a sauna powered by a GEYSER. Like, I get why all Icelanders are musicians and artists. Just look at this place!
So it was almost no surprise to me when I saw a Taco Bell on the way to the airport. I'd been so blessed already, it just made sense. And I'd left with plenty of time for a side of adventure.
When I pulled up, I had to make sure they actually had my meal -- Grilled Stuft Burrito with beef, no guacamole or avocado ranch, side of nachos and a small Pepsi. The Reykjavik Taco Bell has a limited menu, but that's probably because they know what works and what's a waste of time. The GSB combo was T6 -- the last combo. I breathed a sigh of relief and ordered a T6.
"Do you want the menu?" The intercom woman asked.
"No, I can see it, thanks! I'll just have the Grilled Stuft Burrito combo please," I replied.
"The menu?" She persisted.
"The burrito with the nachos and Pepsi?" I asked.
"Yes, the menu!"
We'd had a breakthrough. "Menu" is Icelandic for "combo!" Culture. Learning. Sharing. This is what travel is all about, folks.
So I ordered the GSB menu and pulled forward to the window, which turned out to be a surprise and a delight. Now, in addition to being magical, Iceland is really windy. Like the windiest place I've ever been -- I almost fell over trying to take a selfie in front of a different waterfall. How do you exchange money for food in such wind, you might be asking. Well my friend, these industrious islanders solved that problem long ago. Check out this window system:
You're supposed to strap your money in (I just laid it down, like a tourist) and it swivels around to the indoors, and they do the same with your food and swivel it back out to you! Ingenuity. Art. Burritos.
The meal cost me 1,329 kr, which is about $10 which yes, is the most I've ever paid for the GSB combo. But I wasn't about to skip out on the chance to eat my favorite meal in my favorite place just to save $3.
I pulled into a parking spot and took a bite. So...
Imagine if a bad guy broke into your house and held a gun to your head and said "Make me a burrito!" and you're like "Oh gosh, do I even have all the ingredients for a burrito??" But he doesn't care, he's a bad guy and he's HUNGRY. So you pull out some kind-of stale tortillas, some ground beef, and a bag of Mexican cheese you have leftover from a party for some reason. You microwave all that, then put it on the stove for a second for that authentic grilled effect. You feed it to the bad guy, praying he'll accept the dry, tasteless disaster you just served him as an actual burrito.
Listen, it wasn't good. But if I'm the bad guy in this situation, I accept it and I don't shoot anyone in the head. These guys are on a tiny island in the arctic reaches of the globe -- they don't have access to the same fresh, delicious ingredients you and I do here in America! Was it the worst GSB I've ever had by a long shot? Absolutely. Do I regret any part of this experience? Get out of my face for even asking.
As far as the rest of the menu was concerned, the chips were way too salty, but it's good to know that nacho cheese and Pepsi are the same across the globe. If you ever need to taste the comforts of home, just get yourself a little plastic cup of bright orange cheese goo. Like milk from a mother's teat.
In the end, I learned that what Iceland lacks in Mexican seasoning, it makes up for in natural beauty. It may not have soft tortillas, but it does have a special place in my heart. It may not be able to make a burrito to save its life, but it should stay alive for other reasons, like geysers, and puffins, and that really cool window contraption. Ég elska Ísland.
ambericaonline's rating: 5 rainbows 
Aug 11, 2015
Jul 27, 2015
can i tell you guys something?
i've gone to two more taco bells and i don't feel like writing about it. i don't want to review taco bells anymore.
it's like when you turn your passion into your job and then you no longer enjoy it? it's quite common amongst us artists. and if i can't enjoy my grilled stuft burrito, well, i'm not really sure what the point of any of this is.
i don't want to leave you empty-handed though, so let me share this one final story from the taco bell on NE interstate & going:
i drove up to the window -- it was a hot summer day. a fuzzy from a nearby cottonwood tree floated between me and the guy holding my bag of food. it floated towards me, as if it wanted to catch a ride home. i reached out to grab it, but missed, and it floated instead toward jeff,* who also tried to grab it but missed.
"i know they're not alive, but..." jeff laughed.
"but they clearly have souls," i replied.
jeff handed me my burrito and told me to have a lovely evening. and you know what? i did.
*i have no idea what his name was.
it's like when you turn your passion into your job and then you no longer enjoy it? it's quite common amongst us artists. and if i can't enjoy my grilled stuft burrito, well, i'm not really sure what the point of any of this is.
i don't want to leave you empty-handed though, so let me share this one final story from the taco bell on NE interstate & going:
i drove up to the window -- it was a hot summer day. a fuzzy from a nearby cottonwood tree floated between me and the guy holding my bag of food. it floated towards me, as if it wanted to catch a ride home. i reached out to grab it, but missed, and it floated instead toward jeff,* who also tried to grab it but missed.
"i know they're not alive, but..." jeff laughed.
"but they clearly have souls," i replied.
jeff handed me my burrito and told me to have a lovely evening. and you know what? i did.
*i have no idea what his name was.
amber's guide to online dating
single ladies, it's tough out there. if you're thinking about trying online dating, or have tried it without much success, listen to me! i have accumulated WEEKS of online dating experiences so that i could share my wisdom with you.
- don't ever express interest in another human being. it is a sign of weakness. remember: you are fiercely independent and need no one. ever. but you are available to tend to another person's needs, always.
- definitely do not suggest you and the other person hang out -- what are you, desperate for human connection??
- only respond to texts. do NOT initiate texting! it's needy and annoying. if a man isn't texting you, just sit alone in a dark room until he does. be willing to wait there forever. bring some water, and maybe a deck of cards.
- when (if) he DOES text, determine the exact amount of time he considers appropriate for a response. you may not have much info to go off of, but dedicate all your energy to figuring it out. absolutely never EVER reply to a text right away -- only losers and gross people sometimes happen to be looking at their phones when a text appears.
- finally, if you've somehow magically secured an actual date, do not show up early, late, or on time. each of these options carries significant meaning that reflects on you as a person, all of them bad. don't dress up, but don't dress "like yourself" either -- remember: being yourself is what got you here in the first place! be funny but not too funny, tell stories but don't be interested in them, be a person but not a complete human person, and most importantly, at the end of the date, stand stone-still up against a wall avoiding all eye contact and SAY NOTHING.
note: i once heard of a woman who called a guy on the phone, like to talk, and now she's banned from dating in all of the northwestern united states and parts of canada.
you're not *totally* alone
Hi, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, Ghost Therapist.
Call 1-800-OK-GHOST.
- Are you feeling invisible (instead of translucent)?
- Having trouble finding your place in the afterlife?
- When's the last time you felt "spooky"?
"I used to float down hallways with no purpose at all. I'd go through walls secretly wishing I'd get stuck there. It wasn't until I talked to Amber that I truly embraced my ghosthood. Amber helped me get my BOO back!" —Estelle, a ghostIf you're a ghost who's not reaching your full potential, contact me. We'll turn that "boo hoo" into "ooooooh... oooOOOOooooh!"
"Even though [Amber] is not a ghost, she truly understands the struggles of being a ghost -- living in the same old dusty house forever, children always running away from you in fear, getting super bored. But she was able to help me find my inner purpose and now I'm haunting like I've never haunted before! I'm no longer 'just a ghost'... I'm the ghost with the most." —Harold, a ghost
"Back when we were alive, we hardly ever fought. But after the fire, it took us a long time to sort through our feelings of resentment, guilt, anger, and being cold all the time. Through Amber's coaching, we've been able to learn how to communicate with each other using Ouija boards and writing notes in blood on mirrors (you have to write each letter backwards, not just the words). And now we have a chore wheel -- we take turns making spooky noises and knocking objects off shelves. We still have a lot of work to do, but at least we're working together." —Katie and Carl, ghost couple
Call 1-800-OK-GHOST.
Jun 4, 2015
May 31, 2015
WHAT IS THIS SOUND
if you've ever heard me talk about my apartment, you've heard me complain about the loud strange whistling that happens every day and whose source i can't identify. i've had to endure this annoying whistling since i moved here in october, and i'm getting stabby.
this morning was particularly active, so i grabbed my phone and stood on my front steps and recorded 4 minutes of noises coming from the top of my building (which i've edited down to just over 30 seconds here).
WHAT IS THIS.
if this is a bird, i'd like to nominate it for extinction.
if this is a person with a whistle (my theory)... i honestly don't know what to do. i've walked around the top floors of my building, i've gone up the fire escape to look at the roof -- i don't know where it's coming from. the time i stood out front and yelled "HEY WHAT'S UP WITH THE WHISTLING" went unanswered. and the one time i asked a passing neighbor "have you heard that whistling!?" he was like "oh weird! never heard it before!" and you know, i just feel like i'm not making friends in my building.
i don't think you can call the cops and say "hi, cops? there's maybe a person (maybe a bird) whistling loudly somewhere in or on my apartment building. he (or it) is very elusive once pursued. please investigate."
and i think there are rules about posting threatening flyers everywhere. plus i don't have a printer.
anyway, i guess what i'm asking is does anyone want to join the ambericaonline army for peace and quiet? there's no uniforms, but we walk around barefoot and gently shush offenders. if i find who or what is making this noise, though, somebody better hold me back.
this morning was particularly active, so i grabbed my phone and stood on my front steps and recorded 4 minutes of noises coming from the top of my building (which i've edited down to just over 30 seconds here).
WHAT IS THIS.
if this is a bird, i'd like to nominate it for extinction.
if this is a person with a whistle (my theory)... i honestly don't know what to do. i've walked around the top floors of my building, i've gone up the fire escape to look at the roof -- i don't know where it's coming from. the time i stood out front and yelled "HEY WHAT'S UP WITH THE WHISTLING" went unanswered. and the one time i asked a passing neighbor "have you heard that whistling!?" he was like "oh weird! never heard it before!" and you know, i just feel like i'm not making friends in my building.
i don't think you can call the cops and say "hi, cops? there's maybe a person (maybe a bird) whistling loudly somewhere in or on my apartment building. he (or it) is very elusive once pursued. please investigate."
and i think there are rules about posting threatening flyers everywhere. plus i don't have a printer.
anyway, i guess what i'm asking is does anyone want to join the ambericaonline army for peace and quiet? there's no uniforms, but we walk around barefoot and gently shush offenders. if i find who or what is making this noise, though, somebody better hold me back.
May 17, 2015
May 9, 2015
Taco Bells of Portland: #3 (NE MLK & Lombard)
First, thank you all for waiting so patiently for this next installment of Taco Bells of Portland. I've been busy and out-of-town. Actually, I went to this Taco Bell a week ago today and am just now getting around to blogging about it. I took excellent mental notes, though (memories like this just don't fade).
Secondly, some of you may have seen recent rumors that the Taco Bell on Burnside -- the Taco Bell featured in my very last blog post -- had closed. While this Taco Bell only got a 2-star ambericaonline rating, I never would have wished for its closing, only its improvement. So you'll all be as relieved as I was to find out that that's indeed what's happening! It's getting a fancy new redesign, and hopefully with it a new standard in burrito assembly. Was my blog post responsible? Was one of my literally DOZENS of blog hits from Taco Bell HQ? I'll never know. But I will say so anyway. Follow your dreams, folks. Things will happen and then you can attribute it to you following your dreams.
OK! Onto the review!
This was my Taco Bell when I lived in North Portland and I knew I was in for a treat because it had never let me down. As usual I zipped in and out of the drive thru in just a couple minutes, and this time got my food for a reasonable $6.77 (friendly smiles included!). This drive thru exits one-way onto the street too -- like the Burnside one -- but for some reason I don't find it annoying here. Besides, I figured I'd have plenty of time to eat waiting in line at the DEQ.
Here's the picture I took of this Taco Bell, which is actually of the inside of my purse. You see my phone is so slow, I can snap a pic, place my phone back in my purse, and then seconds later the image is captured. I need a new phone if I'm going to call myself a Taco Bell journalist, which I am. Did you know they'll let you put anything on business cards these days?
Well I got to the DEQ at noon on a Saturday and to my surprise there was only one car in line ahead of me. I crawled forward to the booth while taking the first few bites of my Grilled Stuft Burrito and attempting to take a photo of it but instead taking a video (another cool trick my phone does):
If anyone ever needs a video of a burrito, you're welcome.
Anyway what you'll notice about this particular specimen is the careful, almost precise distribution of ingredients. Look at that color, that texture. 'Tis a thing of beauty. Beefy, beany beauty.
I can't say for sure, but this may have been the first GSB in over 10 years of eating GSBs that I didn't have to "seek the beans" as I like to put it (flip it over). I ate this bad boy top to bottom, enjoying every flavorful bite the way god intended. The chips & cheese? Perfect. The Pepsi? Definitely a Pepsi. And the DEQ? Piece of cake. Or shall I say... piece of burrito?*
After the last one, I couldn't have asked for a better Taco Bell experience. This Taco Bell has renewed my faith in Taco Bells. Other Taco Bells would be wise to follow suit. Maybe invite the manager of this Taco Bell to speak at the next Taco Bell conference, which is a fantasy I didn't even know I had until I typed it out just now. Thank you Taco Bell for your many gifts.
ambericaonline rating: 5+
*no.
Secondly, some of you may have seen recent rumors that the Taco Bell on Burnside -- the Taco Bell featured in my very last blog post -- had closed. While this Taco Bell only got a 2-star ambericaonline rating, I never would have wished for its closing, only its improvement. So you'll all be as relieved as I was to find out that that's indeed what's happening! It's getting a fancy new redesign, and hopefully with it a new standard in burrito assembly. Was my blog post responsible? Was one of my literally DOZENS of blog hits from Taco Bell HQ? I'll never know. But I will say so anyway. Follow your dreams, folks. Things will happen and then you can attribute it to you following your dreams.
OK! Onto the review!
Today's Taco Bell: NE MLK & Lombard
Like I said it took me awhile to get to my third Taco Bell. There were many times I wanted to make a run for the border, but I kept getting sidetracked and started to wonder if it would ever happen. Until last Saturday when I had to hit the DEQ to renew my tags, passing by... you guessed it! Taco Bell. Just goes to show: The universe will provide.This was my Taco Bell when I lived in North Portland and I knew I was in for a treat because it had never let me down. As usual I zipped in and out of the drive thru in just a couple minutes, and this time got my food for a reasonable $6.77 (friendly smiles included!). This drive thru exits one-way onto the street too -- like the Burnside one -- but for some reason I don't find it annoying here. Besides, I figured I'd have plenty of time to eat waiting in line at the DEQ.
Here's the picture I took of this Taco Bell, which is actually of the inside of my purse. You see my phone is so slow, I can snap a pic, place my phone back in my purse, and then seconds later the image is captured. I need a new phone if I'm going to call myself a Taco Bell journalist, which I am. Did you know they'll let you put anything on business cards these days?
Well I got to the DEQ at noon on a Saturday and to my surprise there was only one car in line ahead of me. I crawled forward to the booth while taking the first few bites of my Grilled Stuft Burrito and attempting to take a photo of it but instead taking a video (another cool trick my phone does):
If anyone ever needs a video of a burrito, you're welcome.
Anyway what you'll notice about this particular specimen is the careful, almost precise distribution of ingredients. Look at that color, that texture. 'Tis a thing of beauty. Beefy, beany beauty.
I can't say for sure, but this may have been the first GSB in over 10 years of eating GSBs that I didn't have to "seek the beans" as I like to put it (flip it over). I ate this bad boy top to bottom, enjoying every flavorful bite the way god intended. The chips & cheese? Perfect. The Pepsi? Definitely a Pepsi. And the DEQ? Piece of cake. Or shall I say... piece of burrito?*
After the last one, I couldn't have asked for a better Taco Bell experience. This Taco Bell has renewed my faith in Taco Bells. Other Taco Bells would be wise to follow suit. Maybe invite the manager of this Taco Bell to speak at the next Taco Bell conference, which is a fantasy I didn't even know I had until I typed it out just now. Thank you Taco Bell for your many gifts.
Ratings
Portland's rating: 2.7 (wrong)ambericaonline rating: 5+
*no.
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