please don't pay me for this as i haven't licensed the music or purchased the stock photos yet. thank you.
Jul 27, 2016
baby's second video!
this one starring me and my unwashed hair! camerawork by tony green, music by british sea power ("man of aran").
please don't pay me for this as i haven't licensed the music or purchased the stock photos yet. thank you.
please don't pay me for this as i haven't licensed the music or purchased the stock photos yet. thank you.
i think: having children (for real)
ok my last post was a joke (i remembered how i liked jokes). but now that i've gotten that out of the way, let me write a few paragraphs because my thoughts meet the minimum importance requirement for inclusion on the internet.
i'll start with a few facts: this year i turn 35, i don't have a partner with whom i'd like to make and raise children (see post 1), and i could either afford child care or my rent, but not both, and they don't let you live at the daycare, even though no one's using that space overnight.
aside from the facts, though, i don't feel like it. i haven't felt like having a kid for 8 years now. the last time i wanted a kid was when i was getting married, and everything i wanted at that point in my life (including marriage ...and lots of dresses) came from this desperate urge to not be depressed anymore.
i didn't know at the time what i was experiencing was depression -- i just thought it was adulthood. but adulthood isn't crying daily and feeling no connection to your life. that's depression (i'll write another post about that later).
so i no longer take seriously the things i think i want when i'm depressed, even though i think i want them SO BADLY. because once i'm feeling fine, i do not want those things, and i think what you want for yourself when you're feeling fine is really what you want for yourself. hard to tell in the moment, but that's the theory i try to function off of.
anyway, i don't want kids. i could go into all sorts of reasonable explanations, like "seems like there's enough new humans on the planet at the moment, i could just take one of the existing ones if i wanted" or "i'm not sure earth will be a nice place to live in the next couple generations" or "i like naps," but really i just don't feel like it. having a kid seems to be one of those things people do because they want to, period. if you don't have to have a reason for it, i shouldn't have to have a reason against it. just don't feel like it.
people ask, "but who's going to take care of you when you're old?" the same as you, i suppose. either the people who love me or a paid professional if they're not available.
and people tell me "it's the most amazing experience you can have in this life," and you know, i believe that. i see it second-hand through my nephew, through my friends' kids, and one time i even got to take photos at my the birth of my friend's son, and holy shit, i will never forget the feelings in the room that night. and that wasn't even my kid! i can't imagine the intensity of love parents feel. it looks amazing. i believe it's beyond anything i can even imagine.
but it's ok i don't get to experience that. i'm not convinced we all get to experience the most amazing experience in the world. i'll take some of the other, lesser experiences and be ok with my little collection. because they're the ones i want.
i'll start with a few facts: this year i turn 35, i don't have a partner with whom i'd like to make and raise children (see post 1), and i could either afford child care or my rent, but not both, and they don't let you live at the daycare, even though no one's using that space overnight.
aside from the facts, though, i don't feel like it. i haven't felt like having a kid for 8 years now. the last time i wanted a kid was when i was getting married, and everything i wanted at that point in my life (including marriage ...and lots of dresses) came from this desperate urge to not be depressed anymore.
i didn't know at the time what i was experiencing was depression -- i just thought it was adulthood. but adulthood isn't crying daily and feeling no connection to your life. that's depression (i'll write another post about that later).
so i no longer take seriously the things i think i want when i'm depressed, even though i think i want them SO BADLY. because once i'm feeling fine, i do not want those things, and i think what you want for yourself when you're feeling fine is really what you want for yourself. hard to tell in the moment, but that's the theory i try to function off of.
anyway, i don't want kids. i could go into all sorts of reasonable explanations, like "seems like there's enough new humans on the planet at the moment, i could just take one of the existing ones if i wanted" or "i'm not sure earth will be a nice place to live in the next couple generations" or "i like naps," but really i just don't feel like it. having a kid seems to be one of those things people do because they want to, period. if you don't have to have a reason for it, i shouldn't have to have a reason against it. just don't feel like it.
people ask, "but who's going to take care of you when you're old?" the same as you, i suppose. either the people who love me or a paid professional if they're not available.
and people tell me "it's the most amazing experience you can have in this life," and you know, i believe that. i see it second-hand through my nephew, through my friends' kids, and one time i even got to take photos at my the birth of my friend's son, and holy shit, i will never forget the feelings in the room that night. and that wasn't even my kid! i can't imagine the intensity of love parents feel. it looks amazing. i believe it's beyond anything i can even imagine.
but it's ok i don't get to experience that. i'm not convinced we all get to experience the most amazing experience in the world. i'll take some of the other, lesser experiences and be ok with my little collection. because they're the ones i want.
Jul 26, 2016
Jul 17, 2016
i think: racism
ok i was not going to get so heavy right off the bat but WHAT IS UP, AMERICA? we need to have this conversation daily until we fix this shit.
i think if you're white, you're racist. it's ok! (it's not ok to BE racist, it's ok to admit we are.)
you can read multiple studies that show white people have conscious or subconscious biases against people of other races -- easy to find online. OR you could just listen to a black person and believe them.
i get it, it's so uncomfortable to think about how you might be kind of a bad person. but you know what else is uncomfortable? being black in america. so i think we can stand being uncomfortable for a few minutes.
and i don't believe that most of us have hate in our hearts -- most of our biases come from ignorance. we were raised in a society that shows us over and over and over again that the lives of people of color are worth less than white people's lives. it's a big, complicated thought-habit to break.
here's something that i try to do whenever i'm interacting with someone who doesn't look like me (this works for skin color, ability, sexual identity, socioeconomic status, etc.) -- i think to myself, "i probably have some assumptions about this person. i wonder what they are."
you might be surprised or even downright ashamed about what comes up, but that's ok too! we're all a product of our environment, and hey, back when we were cavemen, we had to make snap judgments all the time to avoid getting eaten by a sabertooth tiger. but now that our species has evolved and tigers aren't around every corner, we can check those assumptions against reason and logic, and then we can dismiss them because they don't make sense.
assumption-free is a great place to start when interacting with someone.
for any readers of this blog who think, "ok, but my assumptions are often confirmed," note that our brains always look for patterns that reinforce our beliefs and dismiss the things that don't fit in. you might not even be registering all the evidence to the contrary.
also i hope you know that cultures (and our perceptions of them) don't exist in a vacuum. for example, i'll take a common stereotype racists have of black people: they're lazy. but white people have systemically prevented black people from obtaining the same level of education, employment, and wealth for centuries. we have repeatedly shown generation after generation that it doesn't matter what they do, they can't have the things we have.
don't they therefore have to work 10 times harder to overcome the obstacles we've put in their way? and you might see someone who's just trying to survive or who can only work five times as hard, and you'll call that lazy. you know who's lazy? some white people. and some black people. all types of people can be lazy. some cats are lazy! if you think color of skin has anything to do with it, that's called ignorance and you can fix it by learning. i mean ask yourself: are you slightly lazier when you're tan? that's how much sense that makes.
here are some easy ways to learn:
i think if you're white, you're racist. it's ok! (it's not ok to BE racist, it's ok to admit we are.)
you can read multiple studies that show white people have conscious or subconscious biases against people of other races -- easy to find online. OR you could just listen to a black person and believe them.
i get it, it's so uncomfortable to think about how you might be kind of a bad person. but you know what else is uncomfortable? being black in america. so i think we can stand being uncomfortable for a few minutes.
and i don't believe that most of us have hate in our hearts -- most of our biases come from ignorance. we were raised in a society that shows us over and over and over again that the lives of people of color are worth less than white people's lives. it's a big, complicated thought-habit to break.
here's something that i try to do whenever i'm interacting with someone who doesn't look like me (this works for skin color, ability, sexual identity, socioeconomic status, etc.) -- i think to myself, "i probably have some assumptions about this person. i wonder what they are."
you might be surprised or even downright ashamed about what comes up, but that's ok too! we're all a product of our environment, and hey, back when we were cavemen, we had to make snap judgments all the time to avoid getting eaten by a sabertooth tiger. but now that our species has evolved and tigers aren't around every corner, we can check those assumptions against reason and logic, and then we can dismiss them because they don't make sense.
assumption-free is a great place to start when interacting with someone.
for any readers of this blog who think, "ok, but my assumptions are often confirmed," note that our brains always look for patterns that reinforce our beliefs and dismiss the things that don't fit in. you might not even be registering all the evidence to the contrary.
also i hope you know that cultures (and our perceptions of them) don't exist in a vacuum. for example, i'll take a common stereotype racists have of black people: they're lazy. but white people have systemically prevented black people from obtaining the same level of education, employment, and wealth for centuries. we have repeatedly shown generation after generation that it doesn't matter what they do, they can't have the things we have.
don't they therefore have to work 10 times harder to overcome the obstacles we've put in their way? and you might see someone who's just trying to survive or who can only work five times as hard, and you'll call that lazy. you know who's lazy? some white people. and some black people. all types of people can be lazy. some cats are lazy! if you think color of skin has anything to do with it, that's called ignorance and you can fix it by learning. i mean ask yourself: are you slightly lazier when you're tan? that's how much sense that makes.
here are some easy ways to learn:
- follow some black feminists on twitter (if you're not already a feminist, kill two birds with one stone! also learn about white feminism.) and when they say something that makes you uncomfortable, try not to get defensive and just listen and believe them. my faves:
- read some books and articles on racism
- watch a documentary on racism
- engage in black communities and black culture, and when you do, just shut up and listen with an open mind and open heart
i hope all this is super obvious to my friends. i've surrounded myself with some very conscientious people, and i like to consider myself pretty thoughtful, yet i have to work constantly at battling the biases i was raised with. but that's nothing compared to the work people have to do to battle them from the other end.
so step up and try to be less racist, my fellow crackers. and people of color: if i'm off about any of this, please let me know. i want to get it right.
#blacklivesmatter
Jul 16, 2016
i think: relationships
hello good evening. i'm going to write a serious post now, the first in a series called "i think." this one's about relationships.
i think some people are not wired to be in long-term monogamous relationships. actually i think a lot of people aren't, but it's the default in our society so we try to do it anyway. i base this belief off 1. my own experiences, 2. looking around, and 3. reading (especially reading Sex At Dawn).
there's a lot of evidence that indicates humans are biologically wired to partner up for about four years, or as long as it takes to produce and raise a child to the point where it can walk around and do things for itself, and then we're ready to move on. looking back at my two serious relationships, that timeline pretty well holds up.
i understand there are many people who find partnering up for life to be desirable and completely comfortable -- those people should definitely do it. the rest of us probably should not, because it makes for a lot of heartache.
here's my real issue with it though, and most people will agree: maintaining a long-term relationship is hard work. and i don't want to work hard on that. you know what's hard? all of life. school is hard, work is hard, families can be hard. keeping yourself physically and emotionally healthy is hard. money can be hard, caring about what's going on in the world is really hard. doing your taxes, taking your car to the shop, chores, and all the unexpected shit life throws at you is hard. i don't want the thing that's supposed to make that all easier to handle to also be hard.
and you know what i've found? this lifestyle really works for me. being alone can be lonely at times, but it can also be tremendously relaxing. it allows me to spend time the way i want to spend time, and it allows me to care for other people better. and it can mean that people leave my life when they want to, but i can deal with that better than i can deal with one of us staying when we don't want to. and you know, the important ones tend to stick around anyway.
the reason i'm writing this is in case anyone out there feels like me, and like me has spent a great deal of time feeling guilty for the way we're wired -- feeling like a failure at the thing we're supposed to do. i let go of that idea a couple years ago and decided to live with integrity -- being honest about and true to who i think i am. my life has gotten so much simpler, and is actually filled with wonderful, meaningful relationships. they look different, and they change easily, and they might not even have all the pieces i'd like all at once, but i've never felt so ok.
i think some people are not wired to be in long-term monogamous relationships. actually i think a lot of people aren't, but it's the default in our society so we try to do it anyway. i base this belief off 1. my own experiences, 2. looking around, and 3. reading (especially reading Sex At Dawn).
there's a lot of evidence that indicates humans are biologically wired to partner up for about four years, or as long as it takes to produce and raise a child to the point where it can walk around and do things for itself, and then we're ready to move on. looking back at my two serious relationships, that timeline pretty well holds up.
i understand there are many people who find partnering up for life to be desirable and completely comfortable -- those people should definitely do it. the rest of us probably should not, because it makes for a lot of heartache.
here's my real issue with it though, and most people will agree: maintaining a long-term relationship is hard work. and i don't want to work hard on that. you know what's hard? all of life. school is hard, work is hard, families can be hard. keeping yourself physically and emotionally healthy is hard. money can be hard, caring about what's going on in the world is really hard. doing your taxes, taking your car to the shop, chores, and all the unexpected shit life throws at you is hard. i don't want the thing that's supposed to make that all easier to handle to also be hard.
and you know what i've found? this lifestyle really works for me. being alone can be lonely at times, but it can also be tremendously relaxing. it allows me to spend time the way i want to spend time, and it allows me to care for other people better. and it can mean that people leave my life when they want to, but i can deal with that better than i can deal with one of us staying when we don't want to. and you know, the important ones tend to stick around anyway.
the reason i'm writing this is in case anyone out there feels like me, and like me has spent a great deal of time feeling guilty for the way we're wired -- feeling like a failure at the thing we're supposed to do. i let go of that idea a couple years ago and decided to live with integrity -- being honest about and true to who i think i am. my life has gotten so much simpler, and is actually filled with wonderful, meaningful relationships. they look different, and they change easily, and they might not even have all the pieces i'd like all at once, but i've never felt so ok.
Jul 6, 2016
baby's first video!
(where baby = me. me's first video.)
for my new job i get to learn how to shoot and edit videos! this is my first attempt. i would say the shooting needs a LOT of work, but i did a good job putting bits together and replacing all my chuckles with bird sounds! of course none of this would be possible without professional stone skipper and subject-matter expert, tony green.
go team!
for my new job i get to learn how to shoot and edit videos! this is my first attempt. i would say the shooting needs a LOT of work, but i did a good job putting bits together and replacing all my chuckles with bird sounds! of course none of this would be possible without professional stone skipper and subject-matter expert, tony green.
go team!
Apr 4, 2016
freeform
hi i'm going to write a life update interspersed with things i found in my old journals. stay tuned.
wow thank you for keep reading!
listen, am i happy right now? absolutely. why? well 1.5 glasses of red wine in my fridge that hadn't gone sour yet, AND it's my last week of work at my job. boy i love [some parts of] my job, but it's just time to move along little dogies, so that's what i'm doing, and i'm real excited about this new job. i love new stuff!
speaking of i got a new car too, good job self.
**EXCERPT**
Rob Roccoli
**[when you say it out loud it sounds like "raw broccoli," unless you said it wrong.]**
here are some things i like about myself: i know things about myself and i'm ok with them. like, you can't be amazing at everything. i suck at some things, take it or leave it.
for example i'm a terrible cook and i don't care and i'm never going to learn. tonight i tried to make the last of my free blue apron meals that my sister gifted me, and i opened up the chicken for the chicken and potato stew, and it smelled like a hobo's armpit. like, i waited almost two weeks to make it and i guess i just thought chicken would last as long as i needed it to.
it doesn't. that's just the laws of chicken, my friend.
so i made a potato stew instead and guess what? it sucked, it was clearly missing a key ingredient. i don't care because you know, i'm VERY good at ordering food from restaurants. going to a restaurant but don't know what you want? don't worry, i do. you'll love it, i promise.
**EXCERPT**
listen, i know this isn't healthy. i've seen the nutrition information, it's shocking. and i know that someday i'll be wasting away in a hospital bed and i'll ask "doc, what is it?" and he or she will reply, "you know, normally we can't pinpoint specific causes -- there are always multiple factors at work -- but in YOUR case, we were actually able to trace your rapid and painful decline directly to the number of grilled stuft burritos you ate. otherwise you'd be in perfect health!"
i know this.
but sometimes, you have to make sacrifices for what you believe in. and i believe in burrito-related investigative journalism.**
**[this was part of a Taco Bells of Portland i never wrote]**
another thing i like: my body. i can count a dozen or more things 'wrong' with my physical appearance, but you know what? i don't care. again, take it or leave it. this thing works mostly really well, and it may look a little weird but i love it. if a genie came and said "i'll fix anything you want on your body" i'd be like nah that's alright, because what if even one little change made me a different person? right when i've gotten used to this one. and i don't know for sure yet, but i bet i'm still gonna love it when i'm all old and wrinkly and my bum hip don't work no-more, because of all the good times it gave me. good ol' thing.
**EXCERPT**
"If you ain't eatin honey, you ain't eatin, honey!"
HONEY. It may come from a bee's butt, but it tastes like it came from God's joyful tears (that He cried at the return of his only Son, who once had this to say about honey:
**[that's all there is on this page. i guess i never finished my commercial for honey.]**
anyway the only thing i truly want in life is cate blanchett's red carpet wardrobe.
thanks for reading my blog, goodnight!
Feb 11, 2016
Nov 9, 2015
Taco Bells of Iceland: #1 (on the way to the Reykjavik airport)
That's right, my friends! Your favorite series where I review local Taco Bells is back, and this time it's "betra" than ever: because it's from Iceland!
When I told people I was going to Iceland they said, "Try the whale blubber!" "Eat a puffin!" "If you hold your nose the fermented shark isn't that bad!" And to that I said: "Nei takk."
I may be an adventurous eater, but I listen to what my body wants. If I'd woken up craving fermented shark, fermented shark I'd eat. But after 16 days abroad eating local cuisines and fancy restaurant food, there was one thing my body wanted, and one thing my body got.
Taco Bell.
Let me back up: Iceland is a magical place. My first full day there I saw five rainbows. FIVE -- two of which were a double rainbow, and one beamed right down onto a waterfall. I soaked in two natural hot springs right out there in nature. I sat in a sauna powered by a GEYSER. Like, I get why all Icelanders are musicians and artists. Just look at this place!
So it was almost no surprise to me when I saw a Taco Bell on the way to the airport. I'd been so blessed already, it just made sense. And I'd left with plenty of time for a side of adventure.
When I pulled up, I had to make sure they actually had my meal -- Grilled Stuft Burrito with beef, no guacamole or avocado ranch, side of nachos and a small Pepsi. The Reykjavik Taco Bell has a limited menu, but that's probably because they know what works and what's a waste of time. The GSB combo was T6 -- the last combo. I breathed a sigh of relief and ordered a T6.
"Do you want the menu?" The intercom woman asked.
"No, I can see it, thanks! I'll just have the Grilled Stuft Burrito combo please," I replied.
"The menu?" She persisted.
"The burrito with the nachos and Pepsi?" I asked.
"Yes, the menu!"
We'd had a breakthrough. "Menu" is Icelandic for "combo!" Culture. Learning. Sharing. This is what travel is all about, folks.
So I ordered the GSB menu and pulled forward to the window, which turned out to be a surprise and a delight. Now, in addition to being magical, Iceland is really windy. Like the windiest place I've ever been -- I almost fell over trying to take a selfie in front of a different waterfall. How do you exchange money for food in such wind, you might be asking. Well my friend, these industrious islanders solved that problem long ago. Check out this window system:
You're supposed to strap your money in (I just laid it down, like a tourist) and it swivels around to the indoors, and they do the same with your food and swivel it back out to you! Ingenuity. Art. Burritos.
The meal cost me 1,329 kr, which is about $10 which yes, is the most I've ever paid for the GSB combo. But I wasn't about to skip out on the chance to eat my favorite meal in my favorite place just to save $3.
I pulled into a parking spot and took a bite. So...
Imagine if a bad guy broke into your house and held a gun to your head and said "Make me a burrito!" and you're like "Oh gosh, do I even have all the ingredients for a burrito??" But he doesn't care, he's a bad guy and he's HUNGRY. So you pull out some kind-of stale tortillas, some ground beef, and a bag of Mexican cheese you have leftover from a party for some reason. You microwave all that, then put it on the stove for a second for that authentic grilled effect. You feed it to the bad guy, praying he'll accept the dry, tasteless disaster you just served him as an actual burrito.
Listen, it wasn't good. But if I'm the bad guy in this situation, I accept it and I don't shoot anyone in the head. These guys are on a tiny island in the arctic reaches of the globe -- they don't have access to the same fresh, delicious ingredients you and I do here in America! Was it the worst GSB I've ever had by a long shot? Absolutely. Do I regret any part of this experience? Get out of my face for even asking.
As far as the rest of the menu was concerned, the chips were way too salty, but it's good to know that nacho cheese and Pepsi are the same across the globe. If you ever need to taste the comforts of home, just get yourself a little plastic cup of bright orange cheese goo. Like milk from a mother's teat.
In the end, I learned that what Iceland lacks in Mexican seasoning, it makes up for in natural beauty. It may not have soft tortillas, but it does have a special place in my heart. It may not be able to make a burrito to save its life, but it should stay alive for other reasons, like geysers, and puffins, and that really cool window contraption. Ég elska Ísland.
ambericaonline's rating: 5 rainbows
When I told people I was going to Iceland they said, "Try the whale blubber!" "Eat a puffin!" "If you hold your nose the fermented shark isn't that bad!" And to that I said: "Nei takk."
I may be an adventurous eater, but I listen to what my body wants. If I'd woken up craving fermented shark, fermented shark I'd eat. But after 16 days abroad eating local cuisines and fancy restaurant food, there was one thing my body wanted, and one thing my body got.
Taco Bell.
Let me back up: Iceland is a magical place. My first full day there I saw five rainbows. FIVE -- two of which were a double rainbow, and one beamed right down onto a waterfall. I soaked in two natural hot springs right out there in nature. I sat in a sauna powered by a GEYSER. Like, I get why all Icelanders are musicians and artists. Just look at this place!
So it was almost no surprise to me when I saw a Taco Bell on the way to the airport. I'd been so blessed already, it just made sense. And I'd left with plenty of time for a side of adventure.
When I pulled up, I had to make sure they actually had my meal -- Grilled Stuft Burrito with beef, no guacamole or avocado ranch, side of nachos and a small Pepsi. The Reykjavik Taco Bell has a limited menu, but that's probably because they know what works and what's a waste of time. The GSB combo was T6 -- the last combo. I breathed a sigh of relief and ordered a T6.
"Do you want the menu?" The intercom woman asked.
"No, I can see it, thanks! I'll just have the Grilled Stuft Burrito combo please," I replied.
"The menu?" She persisted.
"The burrito with the nachos and Pepsi?" I asked.
"Yes, the menu!"
We'd had a breakthrough. "Menu" is Icelandic for "combo!" Culture. Learning. Sharing. This is what travel is all about, folks.
So I ordered the GSB menu and pulled forward to the window, which turned out to be a surprise and a delight. Now, in addition to being magical, Iceland is really windy. Like the windiest place I've ever been -- I almost fell over trying to take a selfie in front of a different waterfall. How do you exchange money for food in such wind, you might be asking. Well my friend, these industrious islanders solved that problem long ago. Check out this window system:
You're supposed to strap your money in (I just laid it down, like a tourist) and it swivels around to the indoors, and they do the same with your food and swivel it back out to you! Ingenuity. Art. Burritos.
The meal cost me 1,329 kr, which is about $10 which yes, is the most I've ever paid for the GSB combo. But I wasn't about to skip out on the chance to eat my favorite meal in my favorite place just to save $3.
I pulled into a parking spot and took a bite. So...
Imagine if a bad guy broke into your house and held a gun to your head and said "Make me a burrito!" and you're like "Oh gosh, do I even have all the ingredients for a burrito??" But he doesn't care, he's a bad guy and he's HUNGRY. So you pull out some kind-of stale tortillas, some ground beef, and a bag of Mexican cheese you have leftover from a party for some reason. You microwave all that, then put it on the stove for a second for that authentic grilled effect. You feed it to the bad guy, praying he'll accept the dry, tasteless disaster you just served him as an actual burrito.
Listen, it wasn't good. But if I'm the bad guy in this situation, I accept it and I don't shoot anyone in the head. These guys are on a tiny island in the arctic reaches of the globe -- they don't have access to the same fresh, delicious ingredients you and I do here in America! Was it the worst GSB I've ever had by a long shot? Absolutely. Do I regret any part of this experience? Get out of my face for even asking.
As far as the rest of the menu was concerned, the chips were way too salty, but it's good to know that nacho cheese and Pepsi are the same across the globe. If you ever need to taste the comforts of home, just get yourself a little plastic cup of bright orange cheese goo. Like milk from a mother's teat.
In the end, I learned that what Iceland lacks in Mexican seasoning, it makes up for in natural beauty. It may not have soft tortillas, but it does have a special place in my heart. It may not be able to make a burrito to save its life, but it should stay alive for other reasons, like geysers, and puffins, and that really cool window contraption. Ég elska Ísland.
ambericaonline's rating: 5 rainbows 
Aug 11, 2015
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