"Ask Flarb" (Issue XXVIMML)

Dear Flarb,

How can I keep my teeth clean and healthy without using a toothbrush?

———

Teeth — HA! Here on Planet Zoltox, we do not process sustenance through our mouths. Feel free to let your useless dental instruments rot and fall out of your face. You'll see life here is much easier without them.

-Flarb

---

Dear Flarb,

Will I ever see my family again?

———

No.

-Flarb

---

Dear Flarb,

I have an advanced degree in engineering but I'm having trouble finding a job. What do you suggest?

———

I suggest reporting to the Ministry of Human Labor immediately for your assignment. There must've been some sort of administrative error — you do not need to "find" a job. There is a job that is yours, and the only thing you must "find" is yourself dutifully accepting your permanent post! Best of luck.

-Flarb

---

Dear Flarb,

Where, in time and space, are we?

———

Ah, I get this question all the time. We are currently in the Nth dimension approximately 800 billion "light years" (to put it in familiar terms) from the planet you know as Earth. But as I'm sure you can sense, our position both physically and elementally is in a constant state of flux. It is a stupid question, really.

-Flarb

---

Have a question for Flarb? Just think it! You may see yours in next week's column.

white noise app review

american zodiac signs

according to the chinese zodiac, i'm a rooster. but i've never really felt like a rooster -- they make great lawyers and maintain immaculately clean houses. LOL. i was just wondering where i could buy plates at this time of night so i wouldn't have to wash the entire set resting in my sink.

but then i realized why i don't feel like a rooster: i'm not chinese! what i need is an american zodiac system to tell me exactly who i am. so i made one. mine only has 10 years instead of 12 for simpler math.

New American Zodiac

• 1980 - newborn baby kitten: represents just how cute and cuddly you are! you may have trouble seeing things at first.
• 1981 (me!) - pink fairy armadillo: people laugh at you -- you're so funny! -- but many forget you are actually very sensitive under that tough (yet beautiful) pink shell of yours.
• 1982 - wombat: you like to dig holes and spend your time in them. you do not gather soil in your backwards-facing pouch, figuratively speaking.
• 1983 - octopus: you are so freaky. how are you even real? omg stop.
• 1984 - walrus: you are the life of the party. seriously, think about if a walrus showed up at your party. you'd be like whoa let's go hang out with that guy.
• 1985 - ostrich: you would give anything to fly.
• 1986 - chupacabra: you're kind of a loner. people might like you more if you quit it with the goat's blood.
• 1987 - the lobster from little mermaid: you are such a great singer! a little uptight though.
• 1988 - mini shetland pony: basically everybody wants you.
• 1989 - axolotl: your youthful appearance and ability to regrow almost all your body parts makes you a real catch! haha get it? because you live in the water.

well i hope you're happy with your new american zodiac sign. i worked on this for about an hour so it's pretty legit.

---

note: i am aware there is a native american "zodiac" or totem animals -- this list is not meant to disregard or replace that. in fact, today i found out in some native american cultures, i'm a red fox!

"You incorporate a sense of play into the tribal community that is vital. Without your levity and high energy your clansmen would be left deflated. You bolster those around you by encouraging laughter, teamwork and a sense of camaraderie. You can be fickle and flighty in your intellectual pursuits which often leads you back to playful tricks and antics. You are endearing and lovable, but to a point."

isn't that SO ME, you guys?!

conversations with a minotaur

saturday, january 31, 5:45 am

minotaur (to his girlfriend): hey babe, i can't sleep. wanna play jacks on the hardwood floor of my 2nd story apartment?

girlfriend: what a great idea! but do you think it might wake your downstairs neighbor? i bet she's a regular person who likes to get a full night's sleep.

minotaur: wake her?! this building is over a hundred years old! [stomps on floor] the walls and ceilings are as thick as my thighs!

girlfriend: your logic is so sound. that's why i love you even though my family has disowned me for dating a minotaur. get out those jacks!

8 signs you're friends with björk

1. she writes you letters in icelandic (you don't speak icelandic).

2. one time she showed up at your front door dressed in a polar bear rug and asked if you wanted to go "sweeping." you didn't know what she meant, but said yes anyway, and you went and you still don't know what she meant.

3. she periodically sends you crates with instructions to NEVER open them. there are things inside that make noises. you have 17 in your basement.

4. you've met all her aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and cousins, but have never seen her children.

5. her voicemail greeting is something about being in an "ocean heart" -- you've listened to it a hundred times and still can't make it out.

6. you've only ever seen her eat mushrooms she grows in the forest behind her house, and you've never seen mushrooms like this anywhere else. they're translucent and have tiny little faces.

7. at sporting events, she stands and screams when everyone else is quiet and vice versa. you smuggle in a thermos of hot tea with honey for her throat.

8. you once took her shopping for her birthday and she just cried silently the whole time.

This fall on Animal Planet

Everyone knows about Henry VIII. There are even chapters in textbooks about Henries I - VII. But very few people have heard about Henry IX.

"But I thought Henry VIII didn't have any legitimate sons!"

He didn't.

...OR DID HE?

"He didn't."

You're right. But he did have a wily, rascally cat! 

Introducing: Henry IX, the cat with IX lives and just as many wives!

Tune in for adventures like: 

• Henry IX tricks Cardinal Woolsey (a cardinal) into being his friend, then eats him!
• Henry IX gets locked out of his castle overnight and sires 900 kittens — all female!
• Henry IX orders the beheading of his wife, CATherine.

Critics call Henry IX "a show that practically writes itself" and "full of cats." We tried to get one of them to say "meow-velous!" but they refused.

Catch Henry IX Thursdays at 9/8 central, right after The Dogtors.

looking back, and then forward, and then to the side real quick because i thought i saw a bug

well, it's dec. 31. what better day to look back on the year behind you and forward to the year ahead? maybe jan. 1, but i would argue they're about equal.

anyway, this post might get a bit personal, so if you hate that kind of stuff, stop reading now. TRIGGER WARNING! SPOILER ALERT! CAUTION: SPLASH ZONE! THIS MACHINE DOES NOT ACCEPT BILLS OVER $1!

i have some stuff to be proud of in 2014. i:

• flossed almost daily
• joined and regularly went to the gym, like worked out in it and everything
• took improv classes
• traveled abroad by myself

i also decided to give up on resolutions i just don't care about, but felt like i "should" do. like my counselor once said, "stop shoulding on yourself!" therefore i will no longer try to:

• learn to cook and stop eating out so much

because eating out is amazing.

ok! that concludes the looking back part of this blog post. now to 2015.

there are definitely some things i need to do next year. i want to:

• pay off my credit card. i already did my budget for the year and i can totally do this.
• write on the internet several times a week. already started. going great.
• travel abroad by myself again (different direction).
• stop being so mean to my skin. i think the key to this one is to stay busy and address the reasons i do this bad habit, because i really only do it when i'm super bored or sad and then i'll just stand in front of the mirror forever finding every little imperfection in my skin and "fixing" it by, you know, making it 1,000 times worse. this has felt like a big part of my life since i was a teenager so i honestly can't picture changing it now, but hey, look at those other things i did that i had never done before! things are possible, i guess?
• continue to floss and go to the gym. (i just added this one so i could definitely cross one off next year.)

in conclusion, i'm a privileged white middle-class american.

HAPPY @)!%!!

my upstairs neighbor

my upstairs neighbor has a very active 3-4am routine and is, tragically, a minotaur. he must work the graveyard shift somewhere -- probably the graveyard, where no one can be put off by his big, powerful, hairy thighs, because they're all dead. 

he gets home around 3am and has to stomp off all the dirt and mud from his hooves, and this takes approximately an hour. sometimes it wakes me up, but instead of getting angry, i just remind myself how grateful i am to have regular human legs.

one night the minotaur had a friend over! this friend also did not have regular human legs, but instead -- and this is very sad -- lived in one of those large rubbermaid bins and got around by kind of hop-scooting everywhere. again, this was quite noisy for me, the downstairs neighbor, but truly i am just heartwarmed that in such an image-obsessed society, a minotaur and a bin person can find each other and be friends. this brings me joy.

still, i wonder, would he prefer a basement apartment? NOT SAYING WE SHOULD PUT ALL MINOTAURS IN THE BASEMENT. i would never say that. but what if there were just some incentives, like living in a little minotaur community, and maybe free dry cleaning for all their shirts? i don't know, i'm just an ideas person. and ideas people can live anywhere.

think a little deeper

the other day i was watching a movie and i thought "oh my god, this is so symbolism!" because it was about one thing, but deep down, under one to two layers, it was actually about something else.

so today i want to talk about movies. deep movies.

i think around the holidays it's so easy to just be like "i love this movie. this popcorn needs more butter!" without taking time to think about what it all really means. and then you go get more butter and miss out on the symbolism.

in case that's happened to you, here's a quick recap of movies i can think of that had other meanings and those meanings:

1. avatar - this movie was probably actually about when white adult men go to a forest and chop it all down and see like these huge blue bugs that they've never seen before, and they're like "EW! GROSS!" and kill them with just a ton of bug spray. moral of the movie: white guys really need to stop doing that, because those bugs are actually really intelligent -- almost like humans.

2. the hunger games - just like in real life, very ugly people rule the world. maybe if we find a very beautiful person to be in charge, there will be no more suffering. moral of the movie: i nominate daisy fuentes.

3. all the batmans - all you REALLY need in life is one butler friend and one cop friend ;)

can you think of a movie that had symbolism in it? share it in the comments below, making this an interactive blog.

also about food

have you ever tried breastfeeding?

i have. back when i was younger, like an infant. it was kind of my thing. i was what you call a monopalettarian -- i only liked one type of food.

but then i grew up, and now i have my very own apartment! 

so next time you see a baby, be like, "yeah!"