i put so much t[i]me and effort into this meal!

i leave for FIVE DAYS

and come home to see THIS all over the neighborhood!

storytime with amber!

once, when i was



i decided to go for a walk in the



when i got there, i saw a



so i yelled

,

next thing i know, i'm waking up in my own



THE END.

guesses?

i firmly believe that the universe has ways of telling us things we're supposed to pay attention to. but what does it mean when you see this bumper sticker on 4 different cars in less than a week?

so what, i like to have fun!

when i go shopping, i like to switch out the vowels on product names and think about if i would buy those things too. for example,




other ones i decided not to photoshop:

• hoar spray
• warm, cozy sloppers
• a sniggie

mmm

smooooooth

you know what's embarrassing? when you lend your coworker your camera so he can take photos of a work event and you think all that's on there is photos of snow


but you've forgotten about the photos you took of yourself modeling the new coat your mom got you for your birthday in the mirror

and a week later you realize this and you assume he must've seen them when he downloaded the photos to his computer, and so you bring it up by re-enacting the photos of yourself modeling your coat as a way of sort of laughing off the embarrassment, and then he tells you he didn't see them, he just dragged over the couple photos he needed based on the file date, but thanks for the re-enactment.

i love playing minesweeper

guilt

there was a little bug hovering around my desk just now, and when i clapped it between my hands, it fell to the desk but a tiny little fuzzy drifted upwards from the same spot in that same moment. and i'll tell ya, i don't technically believe that bugs have tiny little fuzzy souls, but i felt about 100 times worse than i usually do killing bugs.

cats on the internet: for education!

ok so you guys know how the internet started because cat owners needed a way to share photos and videos of their cats worldwide? well i'll tell you one good thing that has come from the internet: instant cat knowledge.

i've been worried about my cats lately because i saw this big, flesh-colored cat lurking in the trees outside my house -- what kind of cat is flesh-colored? he's not white and not orange, but somewhere in between, but not in a pretty way, just a fleshy way. and the look on his face... you can just tell he's up to something, and that something is not helping old lady cats cross the street. or maybe he is, but while he's doing it he's yoinking their old lady cat wallets out of their purses, which is even more evil than not helping them in the first place. i also saw him sitting right outside my cats' cat door when i came home the other day. i don't know if he's some hooligan friend of theirs or just waiting to beat them up, but either way, i don't like him.

so anyway, last night i was petting dodger, scratching his chin, when i noticed these brown spots all over his lips! i'd never seen them before, but i guess i hadn't looked in awhile, but i know i would've noticed them before if they were there. so i thought oh my gosh, what is going on?? has dodger been out there smoking so many cat cigarettes that he now has oral cat cancer?! where would he get cat cigarettes? lurky cat, of course! or -- gasp! is this some sort of cat STD?!? that dirty, fleshy, lurky cat! he WOULD have an STD. what am i going to doooo oh noooo my poor kitty : ((((((

so i googled it, and after the first couple pages of "OMG YOUR CAT HAZ DEATH DIZEAZ PLZ TAKE IT TO THE EMERGENCY DOCTOR VETZ RITE NOW OMGponies!!!!1!", i found a series of reputable sites that let me know orange cats get freckles on their lips with age, and it's nothing to worry about.

thank you, cat internet!!

caught on tape

guys this is really weird: i took this photo outside my office, just because the trees looked pretty, but once i uploaded it to my computer and took a closer look... well, see for yourself:

a fresh-baked loaf of bread, the fur of a lounging cat's belly, and a dryer lint trap

: things i would sleep in if i were just a liiiiiittle bit smaller.

post-halloween blues

some lady named Ruth in my office brought in a whole bag of Baby Ruths for halloween. it's like that's cute but maybe you could go by Snickers?

i love getting mail

get your veggies, kids.

thiiiiiink abouuuuuut itttttttt...

you know, every halloween we put pumpkins on porches, but i bet pumpkins think they put us inside houses. i mean, as far as they know, the only reason we HAVE porches is so they have a place to sit each year. we go to school, we get jobs, we save up, and we buy houses JUST so we can put them on our porches. and really, isn't that kiiiiind of true? don't we all kiiiiind of do everything we do for the sake of pumpkin comfort and satisfaction? isn't our whole lives just one big tribute to pumpkins? aren't we all walking around just waiting to sacrifice ourselves, our children, and our children's children to a pumpkin whenever it commands with just the slightest of indications? i mean that's preeeeeetty much how it is, right? you guys think that?

anyway i'm really looking forward to halloween this year!

because how would you know?

guys we should all just be a little more vigilant when it comes to air travel.

thinking ahead

probably one really important thing to put in our next time capsule is a container for a new time capsule, because it sounds like the future's gonna be out of quite a few things: water, oxygen, trees, social security, dolphins, fossil fuels, space. and there's nothing more embarrassing than having to use last era's time capsule.

christmas gift idea

for you.

i love taking panoramas.

To: Johnny

¡Feliz cumpleaños! Como yo no sé español muy bien, estoy usando un traductor en línea para escribir este mensaje de cumpleaños. Espero que pueda dar sentido a mi poema:

Es tu cumpleaños
Todo el mundo sabe
Eres un año más
Desde la cabeza hasta los dedos del pie
Uh oh, que no rima : /

explains:

sometimes blog posts come to me in my dreams, and 99% of the time i wake up disappointed in how juvenile my subconscious sense of humor is ("get it? it has the word "butt" in it!!"). but last night i knew i was onto something because immediately after i invented Inceptios, the cast of Saved By The Bell came together for a live reunion show! they had a whole dance routine (on their knees so they wouldn't look too tall for the lockers behind them), and screech forgot his lines. after the show, my family and i went grocery shopping and saw that screech worked at the meat counter. my mom texted me from another aisle to ask if i thought we should let a neighbor or someone know that screech works at the meat counter because he may be suicidal.

anyway i woke up feeling pretty good about blogging today!

A new cereal by Christopher Nolan

he's a real shit-for-brains.

*which there ISN'T

if there's one thing i like about bugs,* it's that they don't give a crap about what they wear.

horizontal stripes

black and brown together

trucker hat