oh and also

lora used to beat the crud out of me! i was always afraid to hit her back so she would just come wailing and biting and pulling hair... MEAN! i remember being terrified because she'd be trying to bite my face or something and i would just hold her forehead back with the palm of my hand as hard as possible and try and duck away before my arm muscles gave in.

hahahahahahahaha.

not funny

i don't understand why just because i say ONE FUNNY THING once on this blog everything else i say has to be consistently as funny or funnier from then on. well listen up: this post isn't funny.

i love my sister and we had the best childhood together. look at those dogs. and mom-embroidered walmart sweatshirts. and that country wallpaper trim. i think that might be dog pee on my sleeve but i don't care. look at those smiles.


we would go ride our bikes together for HOURS and in the summer we'd walk down the ditch to A&W for ice cream cones -- she liked chocolate or swirl and i liked vanilla. one time she cut her foot on a piece of glass in the ditch, but she was ok. we were supposed to make a movie starring our troll collection, too. anyway i just think it was pretty much the greatest thing having her around, even though one time i played this uncharacteristically sneaky trick on her that went like this:

lora was on this kick of applying the "anna banna bo banna banana fanna fo fanna, me mi mo manna, anna" rhyme to every word i said. it had been going on for a couple days i think and was getting a little annoying, so being the clever wordsmith that i am, said the word "truck!" just as she approached the f part, called out "MOM!!" she didn't get in trouble though and my mom just looked at me suspiciously. oh well.

<3
-amber

i just want you to know

i could never do this alone.

[decoy]

about a month ago, i asked my sister not to look at my blog because there was something on it that may indicate the present i'd gotten for her baby when he's born. now, i don't want to give anything away here, but here's a clue:

it's a small, square item...

consisting of thinner, identically shaped items bound together front-to-back...

and one of those items looks like this!



and the Best Aunt Award goes to...??? ; D

the back cover

what people who are not my mom are saying about my blog:

"I love it, I sent it to my friend and he loved it too!" -Brian B.

"You're the funniest person who ever lived." -John S.

"F***ing hilarious!" -Liz R.

"You are as clever as me!" -Thomas M.

"Hella funny." -Mckenzie P.

"Don't stop blogstop!" -Nic M.

"It's probably the most important thing you've ever done with your life." -Andrew S.

"Your blog is funny!" -Mom

the truth

i won't lie, 90% of the time you think you're talking to me online, this is what's going on:

my microwave's got a lot of nerve

first, since when is triscuits with melted cheese on them a meal?

second, we both know how i feel about this "meal" -- don't patronize me.

finally, i'm sick and tired of machines telling me what to do!

say no to dougs

when i was little, whenever i'd draw a picture of or write a story about a person, i would always use the same names. if the character was male, his name would be doug or kevin. if it was female, rachel or stacey. which is crazy because now whenever i meet someone with one of those names, i automatically hate them! isn't life funny?

results: negative

sometimes i think i live in LA just to have the weirdest experiences possible before i die. last night i went to an evening of experimental music at a local theater, and saw a band (band?) that was a bassist and 2 drummers, one of whom drummed with a fork and a stainless steel bowl, the other with about 30 toys/objects and 2 pennywhistles hanging out of his mouth.

anyway this got me wondering what it's like to date someone in a band/band? like that. how do you show your support afterwards when they come off stage? like "that was great! you looked SUPER awkward up there, and the audience was visibly uncomfortable. good job!" and then when he asks you what your favorite part was, you say "gosh, i guess it would have to be when all your cymbals fell over and it didn't even matter!"

did we do this?

welcome to my new game where i try and remember if we (humans) did something or if things were already like that by nature.

first up: buttcracks.


seems like this is something we would have created because i know how we like it when two symmetrical body parts are pushed close together to form a crack, so much so that we'll make that happen when it doesn't naturally. so when i see that EVERYONE has a buttcrack, i think that must be our doing, though i'm pretty sure it was nature all along. good thinkin, nature!

next: mayonnaise. this MAY come out of a tree.


third: numbers. now, history tells me WE came up with these. but HOW WERE THINGS COUNTED BEFORE THAT? dudes were just like "yeah, i've got merrghh?? mastodons here, do you want to trade pffzrth?? of them for xcaaahuh?? of your hand-crafted clubs?" and the other guy was just like "i have no way of determining if that's a fair trade or not." man, history was hard.

well, that has been Did We Do This?! please join me next time for other things i don't know but blog about.

are you guys even doing the mouseover text?

because if you're not you're really missing out.

whaaaaaat

cassette tapes are so old i don't even remember what was on them. movies? itunes? floppy disks? i don't know.

a short skit

CHARLENE: WELL HELLO, THERE.
THERE: HI.

looking back...

it's cool to see how much my blog has grown since i gave birth to it in May of 2009. when i gave birth to it, scientists were all like "WHOA how'd you give birth to a blog?!" and i was like "you'll have to ask the father about that" and i pointed to a laptop and moved my eyebrows up and down real fast, but what i'm saying is, just like a child, this blog has gone from being pretty lame to something that's kind of annoying but good to laugh at most of the time.

i love you little bloggernugget!

today on facebook, i said

"forever stamps my ass, i went through those just as fast as regular stamps!" and then everybody was like oh hahaha amber you're so funny, you should have a blog or something and i was like i DO have a blog! it's right here! and they were like no no, you should have a blog where you get paid like $85,000 a year just to write it, and that's all you have to do, just like one or two posts a day like you've been doing only you get paid a lot for it. and i was like oh.

let's date

let's go out on dates. take me to the olive garden! let's date and not have babies. i drew this for you:

i think some jobs exist just for the sake of jokes

for example.

i have a friend, we'll call her Nocile, who worked as an editor at this company, we'll call it Bips & Slices, and she would have to write copy for items like this:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

FOR SALE

charts & graphs! i can make any type of chart or graph, including bar, pie, lines, and sideways bar, in any number of colors, using different types of data that you may need charted/graphed out! here are some samples of my work:




if you like what you see, and i think you will, shoot me an email and we'll talk. what's your budget, i can work with that. what's your timeline, oh i don't know about that but how does next week sound to you? good? we've got ourselves a deal.

~Graphs & Charts by Amber~

WAIT! sidepony:

heh heh heh, yeah.

if this is what the future holds

i'm not sure i want to be a part of it.