ambericaonline: 2011

Nov 27, 2011

you people disgust me.

so as you might've guessed from the last post, i have reason to believe that i might be a victim of googling. that's right, GOOGLING. so i checked my site analytics and discovered a bizarre set of clues as to what kind of person might be looking for me, and let me tell you what -- i am slightly uncomfortable right now. get your sleuth hats on, sherlocks: i present to you, Exhibit A: Google Search Terms That Led To My Blog:

sad pizza
hutterite in a blue chair
pizza sad
seth macfarlane in tight pants
girl eating a bunny
funny textes photos (typo?)
mr. potato head face
examples of people in a friendship (ok that one's nice, i'm glad you ended up here)
amber hollingsworth cleaning (EXCUSE ME)
person licking cheeto fingers (yeah alright)
gwen latifah
let's date

yeah we'll see about that last one, googler-of-questionable-interests...

Nov 1, 2011

technically speaking

Oct 3, 2011

it's pretty easy to publish a book these days

Sep 1, 2011

GUEST BLOGGER: LINZI (via me)

linzi is someone that i respect a lot because when she has an idea, where most people would say "hahaha what if i did this?" and then they just go back to their snood game or whatever, linzi ACTUALLY DOES IT. which is why i'm proud to present her latest masterpiece, "An Arugula Pizza Under A Pesto Pizza Under Four Single Cheese Pizzas Under 12 Mini Pizzas." follow the magic below:

and that's the difference between an artist and the rest of you slobs.

Aug 10, 2011

hey sweetcheeks

girl on the bus: "guys always say i have a cute butt but i don't really know what they mean by that."

i mean is it the shape? the size? i don't get it.

Jul 13, 2011

sex appeal:

May 24, 2011

well, it's summertime

(ish). and i don't feel like blogging or tweeting or anything when it's nice out! see you guys again in the fall when i get seasonal affective disorder!

wheee

May 7, 2011

checking in

whenever i go somewhere cool i like to write it down in my notebook, and then show it to all my friends and see if they like it or want to comment on it.

May 6, 2011

guys

blogging is boring : /

Apr 17, 2011

short stories with amber - episode 1: "almost"

Apr 7, 2011

i bet you guys have been wondering where i am

i'm right here.

but the reason i haven't been blogging as much is because a) twitter is funner and b) i'm working really hard on my standup routine! that's right, i'm going to do it! i have my first gig all lined up... april 20... at the... EMPLOYEE TALENT SHOW!!

after all, i was voted Most Likely To Be The Funniest Girl At Her Future Place Of Employment (Category: Office Environment). just look at me now!

Mar 22, 2011

new tool

hey do you guys use Google Farts? it lets you track the number of farts you do daily, their length, intensity, etc., and tells you if you'll ever have a husband or not.

Mar 14, 2011

recap

so on the last episode of ANTM (america's next top model for those of you who are super out-of-touch) they did the makeovers which is awesome because they did the long red hair on one girl and short boy cut on another girl and blonde on other girl, and the old hairs had to go back home to places like the trailer park or other places models aren't, and their families welcomed them back but they could tell the hairs weren't quite the same, something had changed -- it was probably that they had been on tv a little bit (before the makeover episode) and it wasn't so much that they thought they were better than their old friends and family from home because they were on tv, it was that they could no longer be content with their old lives having been through this experience on the show what with tyra banks and all. so that was cool.

Mar 9, 2011

cha ching

people always ask me, "amber, how do you eat so much and stay so thin? what's your secret?" and i say "give me $5 and i'll tell you." then when i have their money, i whisper, "i have a crush on my boyfriend's brother." they're usually disappointed that i wasn't still talking about staying thin, but hey $5.

Mar 1, 2011

effective news headlines

Mad Cow Hermaphrodite Fraud
Exploding Child Abduction Shiv
Celebrity Nuclear Pirate Collapse
VIDEO: Poison Racist 100 Cats
Earthquake Sex Scandal Riots
Outbreak 'Shocked' at Mugshots

go on, give it a try!

Feb 25, 2011

tweet tweet 1-2-3

look guys i'm a twatter now!

twitter.com/ambericaonline

Feb 20, 2011

just putting this out there

i don't mean to play down the bravery and commitment of the protesters in egypt who unseated the president the other week, and a lot of people have been talking about the role of facebook and twitter in these events. again, i don't want to step on any toes here, buuuuuuuut...

couldn't they have just checked in a bunch of times on foursquare?

Feb 10, 2011

tips

don't you hate when you're looking at a page of a catalog and you want to see more but you don't know how? well, THANK YOU NORDSTROM!

unfortunately by page 11 i'd forgotten what the trick was AND i had no way of getting back! : /

Feb 8, 2011

all the different ways

i get this shopping email every other day because i'm a fashionable kind of lady, and i like to use some of the money that i earn on articles of clothing or accessories to appear a certain way to other people and also to have confidence in my appearance around others.

ANYWAY for the last few weeks they've been promoting this hat, which makes me laugh every time. just look at all the ways you can look stupid (for $90 rather than the original price of $180)!

anyway, i got a free shipping upgrade so mine should be here any day now.

Feb 3, 2011

omgoodness

here's how much of a lightweight i am buys (guys): i had one small glass of wine WITH DINNER and i am telling you right now i would not be ok to operate a motored vehicle. put me on a sailboat though and i would be captain jack dawson! not, i would probably drown AND wreck a sailboat. who put me on a sailboat? GUUUUYS!

anyway i just wanted to say 1) how awesome everything is and 2) people as well. for real, today i got adobe CS5 suite on my personal laptop because i work at a university where if you do work from your personal computer sometimes you get all the same software from your work computer installed on your home computer WHOA. i know right? so that was free, and then i made salmon which was ok and while i was doing the dishes i was just thinking about all my favorite people, which you are one of! them. for. quotes?

well, that's all for tonight. i'm gonna watch 2-3 more episodes of Peep Show and comb my cats who have maybe one flea, two max. that's it. don't worry about it.

love you!
-amber

*EDIT i am not watching Peep Show i am watching Douchebag which is a movie my friend andrew stars in and it is HILARIOUS. you can rent or buy it on itunes right now, please consider that.