astrology

hello, thank you for your horoscope! i'm your thing, amber hollingsworth. today, if you were born, congratulations! the universe is a wonderful place to be. not many alternatives but i think you made a wise choice. good start.

if you were born another day but are still living today, do we have astrology for you! keep reading.

1) money. you need it, i need it, everybody needs it. not dogs though, which is why dogs are your spirit animal today. listen to, about, and around dogs, and you will have many money successful-like things happen or done to you.

2) love. you need it, i need it, everybody needs it. this is the simple universal truth and do not try to argue with me, i have had enough for today. if you really love me, you will just stop.

3) animals. see #1.

4) career. you need it, i need it. some other people don't but they are nicole richie and richard gere. they can just do whatever now as they already did their career and did a pretty good job of it. that's nice for them. irrelevant to you though. sorry.

5) family. i don't know much about your family. they are ok i suppose?

well, that's it! whatever you do or don't do, one thing is clear: come back!

short stories

once there was a little fart

sitting on a bench

in the dark

in the park.

"hey!" i yelled to the little fart,

"what are you doing

sitting on this bench

in the dark

in the park?"

the little fart turned its head to look at me, and without a noise,

disappeared into the breeze.

i fixed it for you

yesterday linzi pointed out the hilarious advertising campaign for kohler's new $6,653 luxury toilet: models standing around the toilet placed in the corner of their GLASS HOUSE.

the campaign was clearly missing just one thing.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

see that's the thing about toilets: people shit in them.

these jeans fit like a glove!

Next time on Downton Abbey

click for spoiler alert

On the next episode of Downton Abbey, Lady Mary has a baby -- it's half dragon. How did that happen? We may never know, she has amnesia. Lord Grantham dies. Meanwhile, downstairs, Thomas is caught with his hand inside a cooked chicken to "see how it feels." It gets stuck. Daisy chops his other hand off with a butcher knife (accident???). How will he be a valet with one chicken hand? Don't worry, he's still got two feet! Stay tuned for those hijinks. Matthew buys one of those new-fangled "television sets," but as he carries it upstairs it crushes him and he dies. Lady Grantham dies. Turns out Bates DID murder his ex-wife, her ghost returned and revealed it all to Edith, whom no one believes because bubbles emerge from her mouth whenever she tries to tell it, indicating she is in fact the incurable drunk they all suspected her to be, and she must be banished. The dragon-baby dies and a tea kettle is the next legal heir to the estate.