short stories

once there was a little fart

sitting on a bench

in the dark

in the park.

"hey!" i yelled to the little fart,

"what are you doing

sitting on this bench

in the dark

in the park?"

the little fart turned its head to look at me, and without a noise,

disappeared into the breeze.

i fixed it for you

yesterday linzi pointed out the hilarious advertising campaign for kohler's new $6,653 luxury toilet: models standing around the toilet placed in the corner of their GLASS HOUSE.

the campaign was clearly missing just one thing.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

see that's the thing about toilets: people shit in them.

these jeans fit like a glove!

Next time on Downton Abbey

click for spoiler alert

On the next episode of Downton Abbey, Lady Mary has a baby -- it's half dragon. How did that happen? We may never know, she has amnesia. Lord Grantham dies. Meanwhile, downstairs, Thomas is caught with his hand inside a cooked chicken to "see how it feels." It gets stuck. Daisy chops his other hand off with a butcher knife (accident???). How will he be a valet with one chicken hand? Don't worry, he's still got two feet! Stay tuned for those hijinks. Matthew buys one of those new-fangled "television sets," but as he carries it upstairs it crushes him and he dies. Lady Grantham dies. Turns out Bates DID murder his ex-wife, her ghost returned and revealed it all to Edith, whom no one believes because bubbles emerge from her mouth whenever she tries to tell it, indicating she is in fact the incurable drunk they all suspected her to be, and she must be banished. The dragon-baby dies and a tea kettle is the next legal heir to the estate.

urban outfitters models who have fallen down or gotten stuck

Girl Talk It's Girl Talk Time

Hey girls, do you know what time it is? Probably not if your man isn't around (he's the techy one!). But that's OK, it was a rhetorical question! It's Girl Talk Time, where we get together and talk about things that are important to us (girls!).

Anyway today for Girl Talk Time I have some tips for all the girls out there. We are going to discuss some pretty heavy hitting topics, so if you are squeamish, stop reading now! Don't say I didn't warn you!! ;)

Tips (No, not like in the manicure... duh!)

1. Ladies, next time you're about to get raped, see if you can upgrade to a Legitimate Rape, and say goodbye to those pesky unwanted pregnancies!!
2. If you are sick and tired of getting paid 20% less than the men in your office, why don't you try selling some of the things you sew? People still pay good money for quilts -- see if you can get your boyfriend or husband to set up an Etsy account or something for you and sell your quilts online! Don't forget to come up with a cute name for your online store.
3. Finally, if you are insecure about your body type: relax! Glamour magazine recently surveyed 1,000 men and asked them what they think of women's bodies. And guess what? They like them all! Curvy like Beyoncé, thin like the Olsen twins, petite like Mila Kunis, or tall like Gisele... whether your greatest asset is your boobs or your butt or your legs, there's a guy out there who's into you! Even if your body is super weird, there's probably somebody out there with a fetish for whatever's wrong with you. But most importantly: BE CONFIDENT. Guys think confident women are sexy!

Well, those are my tips. I hope I didn't make anybody feel uncomfortable talking about these "serious" issues, but as you know, girls, we can't just go shopping and eat cookie dough all day everyday!! Just most days! Hahaha jk of course. ;)

See you next time for Girl Talk Time!!!!

xoxoxo,
Amber

you people disgust me.

so as you might've guessed from the last post, i have reason to believe that i might be a victim of googling. that's right, GOOGLING. so i checked my site analytics and discovered a bizarre set of clues as to what kind of person might be looking for me, and let me tell you what -- i am slightly uncomfortable right now. get your sleuth hats on, sherlocks: i present to you, Exhibit A: Google Search Terms That Led To My Blog:

• sad pizza
• hutterite in a blue chair
• pizza sad
• seth macfarlane in tight pants
• girl eating a bunny
• funny textes photos (typo?)
• mr. potato head face
• examples of people in a friendship (ok that one's nice, i'm glad you ended up here)
• amber hollingsworth cleaning (EXCUSE ME)
• person licking cheeto fingers (yeah alright)
• gwen latifah
• let's date

yeah we'll see about that last one, googler-of-questionable-interests...

technically speaking

it's pretty easy to publish a book these days

GUEST BLOGGER: LINZI (via me)

linzi is someone that i respect a lot because when she has an idea, where most people would say "hahaha what if i did this?" and then they just go back to their snood game or whatever, linzi ACTUALLY DOES IT. which is why i'm proud to present her latest masterpiece, "An Arugula Pizza Under A Pesto Pizza Under Four Single Cheese Pizzas Under 12 Mini Pizzas." follow the magic below:






and that's the difference between an artist and the rest of you slobs.