a visitor

hi, i'm white and i'm right outside your window. what am i?

a jehovah's witness? nope: a ghost. try again.

have you heard the good news? i was just wondering -- i haven't really heard any news since i became a ghost. "current events" aren't really a thing since my time is eternal now. earthquakes? plagues? meh, talk to me in 10,000 years when i'm still here, just hanging out.

that's why i ask about good news, it cheers me up for a minute. but what's a minute, anyway? i bet you think you know what a minute is. "oh it's 60 seconds, or 1/60th of an hour." great job, math boy. go pick up your trophy from the principal's office. guess what? everyone you love will die.

i'm sorry, i'm having a rough time. i'll leave. it's fine. there are other windows, other living souls out there. enjoy your dinner. that pasta looks amazing. enjoy it while you can.

Parenting Tips for Dogs

Birth

• DO give birth to all your puppies, even if you're tired.
• DON'T forget to eat the placenta! It's good for you!
• DO hold still while they're feeding.
• DON'T pick favorites. Each puppy is special in its own way. Except for the runt — that one is clearly not going to be a good dog.

The First Few Days

• ...That's pretty much it! They're going to be fine. They're dogs.

cat chat

cat chat.

rubber bands wow!

1-800-RUB-BERB

Party Dance Forever (DJ Club Mix)

Oooh-ooh-ooh

Oooh-ooh-ooh

Oooh-ooh-ooh

Oooh-ooh-ooh

Boy do you wanna

Cuz if you do

We can party dance forever

I wanna party dance forever

With you here around me

I can kinda tell

No shirt no shoes no service

I wanna party dance forever

[that sound that's in every club track where it gets faster & faster then explodes]

Party dance forever (yeah!)

Party dance forever (yeah!)

If citrus is in season

It's how I feel inside

Fresh sheets ooh yeah I washed them

Do you like going shopping?

Outstanding student loan debt

Nobody's gonna eat that?

Lexus December to remember

We can party dance forever

Oooh-ooh-ooh

Oooh-ooh-ooh

Oooh-ooh-ooh

Oooh-ooh-ooh

[that sound again]

We can party dance forever

We can party dance forever

Spaghetti rigatoni

We can party dance forever

You can't win them all, but you *can* win...

THE MALL!

Hi I'm Tav Gravy and this is Win That Mall, the game show where YOU can OWN A MALL.

Always wanted to revitalize a run-down neighborhood? Ever thought to yourself "That Baskin Robbins would look better over there"? Love telling punk kids NO SKATEBOARDING through the effective use of signage?

Well this is the game show for you! The rules are simple:

• Be the first to correctly answer all 5 questions about mall culture in the U.S. ("Can you get anything other than your ears pierced at a Claire's?")
• Successfully complete our Shopping Cart Mall Maze! The pusher wears a blindfold while the rider navigates -- just don't cross the yellow lines!
• Present your best business plan for bringing economic growth back to the area.

Get these right, and YOU can be the RIGHTFUL OWNER of your VERY OWN MALL!

Let's meet our contestants.

*photo by an internet person named Nicholas

Lost Dreams

I remember when I first learned to Segway. The thrill, the excitement, the leaning slightly forward and then back again. 

"You're a natural," they said, and I knew it to be true. I coulda been something. If only we didn't have to return them at the end of the 2-hour tour. If only I could've gone faster, farther, without a helmet -- the wind rushing through my hair. Then you'd see... you'd see what I'm capable of.

things no one has ever searched for on WebMD

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astrology

hello, thank you for your horoscope! i'm your thing, amber hollingsworth. today, if you were born, congratulations! the universe is a wonderful place to be. not many alternatives but i think you made a wise choice. good start.

if you were born another day but are still living today, do we have astrology for you! keep reading.

1) money. you need it, i need it, everybody needs it. not dogs though, which is why dogs are your spirit animal today. listen to, about, and around dogs, and you will have many money successful-like things happen or done to you.

2) love. you need it, i need it, everybody needs it. this is the simple universal truth and do not try to argue with me, i have had enough for today. if you really love me, you will just stop.

3) animals. see #1.

4) career. you need it, i need it. some other people don't but they are nicole richie and richard gere. they can just do whatever now as they already did their career and did a pretty good job of it. that's nice for them. irrelevant to you though. sorry.

5) family. i don't know much about your family. they are ok i suppose?

well, that's it! whatever you do or don't do, one thing is clear: come back!

short stories

once there was a little fart

sitting on a bench

in the dark

in the park.

"hey!" i yelled to the little fart,

"what are you doing

sitting on this bench

in the dark

in the park?"

the little fart turned its head to look at me, and without a noise,

disappeared into the breeze.