Taco Bells of Iceland: #1 (on the way to the Reykjavik airport)

That's right, my friends! Your favorite series where I review local Taco Bells is back, and this time it's "betra" than ever: because it's from Iceland!

When I told people I was going to Iceland they said, "Try the whale blubber!" "Eat a puffin!" "If you hold your nose the fermented shark isn't that bad!" And to that I said: "Nei takk."

I may be an adventurous eater, but I listen to what my body wants. If I'd woken up craving fermented shark, fermented shark I'd eat. But after 16 days abroad eating local cuisines and fancy restaurant food, there was one thing my body wanted, and one thing my body got.

Taco Bell.

Let me back up: Iceland is a magical place. My first full day there I saw five rainbows. FIVE -- two of which were a double rainbow, and one beamed right down onto a waterfall. I soaked in two natural hot springs right out there in nature. I sat in a sauna powered by a GEYSER. Like, I get why all Icelanders are musicians and artists. Just look at this place!

So it was almost no surprise to me when I saw a Taco Bell on the way to the airport. I'd been so blessed already, it just made sense. And I'd left with plenty of time for a side of adventure.

When I pulled up, I had to make sure they actually had my meal -- Grilled Stuft Burrito with beef, no guacamole or avocado ranch, side of nachos and a small Pepsi. The Reykjavik Taco Bell has a limited menu, but that's probably because they know what works and what's a waste of time. The GSB combo was T6 -- the last combo. I breathed a sigh of relief and ordered a T6.

"Do you want the menu?" The intercom woman asked.

"No, I can see it, thanks! I'll just have the Grilled Stuft Burrito combo please," I replied.

"The menu?" She persisted.

"The burrito with the nachos and Pepsi?" I asked.

"Yes, the menu!"

We'd had a breakthrough. "Menu" is Icelandic for "combo!" Culture. Learning. Sharing. This is what travel is all about, folks.

So I ordered the GSB menu and pulled forward to the window, which turned out to be a surprise and a delight. Now, in addition to being magical, Iceland is really windy. Like the windiest place I've ever been -- I almost fell over trying to take a selfie in front of a different waterfall. How do you exchange money for food in such wind, you might be asking. Well my friend, these industrious islanders solved that problem long ago. Check out this window system:

You're supposed to strap your money in (I just laid it down, like a tourist) and it swivels around to the indoors, and they do the same with your food and swivel it back out to you! Ingenuity. Art. Burritos.

The meal cost me 1,329 kr, which is about $10 which yes, is the most I've ever paid for the GSB combo. But I wasn't about to skip out on the chance to eat my favorite meal in my favorite place just to save $3.

I pulled into a parking spot and took a bite. So...

Imagine if a bad guy broke into your house and held a gun to your head and said "Make me a burrito!" and you're like "Oh gosh, do I even have all the ingredients for a burrito??" But he doesn't care, he's a bad guy and he's HUNGRY. So you pull out some kind-of stale tortillas, some ground beef, and a bag of Mexican cheese you have leftover from a party for some reason. You microwave all that, then put it on the stove for a second for that authentic grilled effect. You feed it to the bad guy, praying he'll accept the dry, tasteless disaster you just served him as an actual burrito.

Listen, it wasn't good. But if I'm the bad guy in this situation, I accept it and I don't shoot anyone in the head. These guys are on a tiny island in the arctic reaches of the globe -- they don't have access to the same fresh, delicious ingredients you and I do here in America! Was it the worst GSB I've ever had by a long shot? Absolutely. Do I regret any part of this experience? Get out of my face for even asking.

As far as the rest of the menu was concerned, the chips were way too salty, but it's good to know that nacho cheese and Pepsi are the same across the globe. If you ever need to taste the comforts of home, just get yourself a little plastic cup of bright orange cheese goo. Like milk from a mother's teat.

In the end, I learned that what Iceland lacks in Mexican seasoning, it makes up for in natural beauty. It may not have soft tortillas, but it does have a special place in my heart. It may not be able to make a burrito to save its life, but it should stay alive for other reasons, like geysers, and puffins, and that really cool window contraption. Ég elska Ísland.

ambericaonline's rating: 5 rainbows

 

amazing

did you guys see the photos of that rare white whale?

can i tell you guys something?

i've gone to two more taco bells and i don't feel like writing about it. i don't want to review taco bells anymore.

it's like when you turn your passion into your job and then you no longer enjoy it? it's quite common amongst us artists. and if i can't enjoy my grilled stuft burrito, well, i'm not really sure what the point of any of this is.

i don't want to leave you empty-handed though, so let me share this one final story from the taco bell on NE interstate & going:

i drove up to the window -- it was a hot summer day. a fuzzy from a nearby cottonwood tree floated between me and the guy holding my bag of food. it floated towards me, as if it wanted to catch a ride home. i reached out to grab it, but missed, and it floated instead toward jeff,* who also tried to grab it but missed.

"i know they're not alive, but..." jeff laughed.

"but they clearly have souls," i replied.

jeff handed me my burrito and told me to have a lovely evening. and you know what? i did.

*i have no idea what his name was.

amber's guide to online dating

single ladies, it's tough out there. if you're thinking about trying online dating, or have tried it without much success, listen to me! i have accumulated WEEKS of online dating experiences so that i could share my wisdom with you.

1. don't ever express interest in another human being. it is a sign of weakness. remember: you are fiercely independent and need no one. ever. but you are available to tend to another person's needs, always.
   
2. definitely do not suggest you and the other person hang out -- what are you, desperate for human connection??
3. only respond to texts. do NOT initiate texting! it's needy and annoying. if a man isn't texting you, just sit alone in a dark room until he does. be willing to wait there forever. bring some water, and maybe a deck of cards.
4. when (if) he DOES text, determine the exact amount of time he considers appropriate for a response. you may not have much info to go off of, but dedicate all your energy to figuring it out. absolutely never EVER reply to a text right away -- only losers and gross people sometimes happen to be looking at their phones when a text appears.
5. finally, if you've somehow magically secured an actual date, do not show up early, late, or on time. each of these options carries significant meaning that reflects on you as a person, all of them bad. don't dress up, but don't dress "like yourself" either -- remember: being yourself is what got you here in the first place! be funny but not too funny, tell stories but don't be interested in them, be a person but not a complete human person, and most importantly, at the end of the date, stand stone-still up against a wall avoiding all eye contact and SAY NOTHING.

 if you're lucky, you'll get to do it again in a week or so!

note: i once heard of a woman who called a guy on the phone, like to talk, and now she's banned from dating in all of the northwestern united states and parts of canada.

you're not *totally* alone

Hi, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, Ghost Therapist.

• Are you feeling invisible (instead of translucent)?
• Having trouble finding your place in the afterlife?
• When's the last time you felt "spooky"?

Just because you're doomed to wander the earth for time eternal doesn't mean you have to be so glum about it. Check out these testi-moan-ials from some of my former clients:

"I used to float down hallways with no purpose at all. I'd go through walls secretly wishing I'd get stuck there. It wasn't until I talked to Amber that I truly embraced my ghosthood. Amber helped me get my BOO back!" —Estelle, a ghost

"Even though [Amber] is not a ghost, she truly understands the struggles of being a ghost -- living in the same old dusty house forever, children always running away from you in fear, getting super bored. But she was able to help me find my inner purpose and now I'm haunting like I've never haunted before! I'm no longer 'just a ghost'... I'm the ghost with the most." —Harold, a ghost

"Back when we were alive, we hardly ever fought. But after the fire, it took us a long time to sort through our feelings of resentment, guilt, anger, and being cold all the time. Through Amber's coaching, we've been able to learn how to communicate with each other using Ouija boards and writing notes in blood on mirrors (you have to write each letter backwards, not just the words). And now we have a chore wheel -- we take turns making spooky noises and knocking objects off shelves. We still have a lot of work to do, but at least we're working together." —Katie and Carl, ghost couple

If you're a ghost who's not reaching your full potential, contact me. We'll turn that "boo hoo" into "ooooooh... oooOOOOooooh!"

Call 1-800-OK-GHOST.

how do they do it??

WHAT IS THIS SOUND

if you've ever heard me talk about my apartment, you've heard me complain about the loud strange whistling that happens every day and whose source i can't identify. i've had to endure this annoying whistling since i moved here in october, and i'm getting stabby.

this morning was particularly active, so i grabbed my phone and stood on my front steps and recorded 4 minutes of noises coming from the top of my building (which i've edited down to just over 30 seconds here).

WHAT IS THIS.



if this is a bird, i'd like to nominate it for extinction.

if this is a person with a whistle (my theory)... i honestly don't know what to do. i've walked around the top floors of my building, i've gone up the fire escape to look at the roof -- i don't know where it's coming from. the time i stood out front and yelled "HEY WHAT'S UP WITH THE WHISTLING" went unanswered. and the one time i asked a passing neighbor "have you heard that whistling!?" he was like "oh weird! never heard it before!" and you know, i just feel like i'm not making friends in my building.

i don't think you can call the cops and say "hi, cops? there's maybe a person (maybe a bird) whistling loudly somewhere in or on my apartment building. he (or it) is very elusive once pursued. please investigate."

and i think there are rules about posting threatening flyers everywhere. plus i don't have a printer.

anyway, i guess what i'm asking is does anyone want to join the ambericaonline army for peace and quiet? there's no uniforms, but we walk around barefoot and gently shush offenders. if i find who or what is making this noise, though, somebody better hold me back.

STAND-UP JOKES VIDEO!

do you wanna see me do stand-up?

dreams come true:

Taco Bells of Portland: #3 (NE MLK & Lombard)

First, thank you all for waiting so patiently for this next installment of Taco Bells of Portland. I've been busy and out-of-town. Actually, I went to this Taco Bell a week ago today and am just now getting around to blogging about it. I took excellent mental notes, though (memories like this just don't fade).

Secondly, some of you may have seen recent rumors that the Taco Bell on Burnside -- the Taco Bell featured in my very last blog post -- had closed. While this Taco Bell only got a 2-star ambericaonline rating, I never would have wished for its closing, only its improvement. So you'll all be as relieved as I was to find out that that's indeed what's happening! It's getting a fancy new redesign, and hopefully with it a new standard in burrito assembly. Was my blog post responsible? Was one of my literally DOZENS of blog hits from Taco Bell HQ? I'll never know. But I will say so anyway. Follow your dreams, folks. Things will happen and then you can attribute it to you following your dreams.

OK! Onto the review!

Today's Taco Bell: NE MLK & Lombard

Like I said it took me awhile to get to my third Taco Bell. There were many times I wanted to make a run for the border, but I kept getting sidetracked and started to wonder if it would ever happen. Until last Saturday when I had to hit the DEQ to renew my tags, passing by... you guessed it! Taco Bell. Just goes to show: The universe will provide.

This was my Taco Bell when I lived in North Portland and I knew I was in for a treat because it had never let me down. As usual I zipped in and out of the drive thru in just a couple minutes, and this time got my food for a reasonable $6.77 (friendly smiles included!). This drive thru exits one-way onto the street too -- like the Burnside one -- but for some reason I don't find it annoying here. Besides, I figured I'd have plenty of time to eat waiting in line at the DEQ.

Here's the picture I took of this Taco Bell, which is actually of the inside of my purse. You see my phone is so slow, I can snap a pic, place my phone back in my purse, and then seconds later the image is captured. I need a new phone if I'm going to call myself a Taco Bell journalist, which I am. Did you know they'll let you put anything on business cards these days?

Well I got to the DEQ at noon on a Saturday and to my surprise there was only one car in line ahead of me. I crawled forward to the booth while taking the first few bites of my Grilled Stuft Burrito and attempting to take a photo of it but instead taking a video (another cool trick my phone does):

 

If anyone ever needs a video of a burrito, you're welcome.

Anyway what you'll notice about this particular specimen is the careful, almost precise distribution of ingredients. Look at that color, that texture. 'Tis a thing of beauty. Beefy, beany beauty.

 
I can't say for sure, but this may have been the first GSB in over 10 years of eating GSBs that I didn't have to "seek the beans" as I like to put it (flip it over). I ate this bad boy top to bottom, enjoying every flavorful bite the way god intended. The chips & cheese? Perfect. The Pepsi? Definitely a Pepsi. And the DEQ? Piece of cake. Or shall I say... piece of burrito?*

After the last one, I couldn't have asked for a better Taco Bell experience. This Taco Bell has renewed my faith in Taco Bells. Other Taco Bells would be wise to follow suit. Maybe invite the manager of this Taco Bell to speak at the next Taco Bell conference, which is a fantasy I didn't even know I had until I typed it out just now. Thank you Taco Bell for your many gifts.

Ratings

Portland's rating: 2.7 (wrong)
ambericaonline rating: 5+

*no.

Taco Bells of Portland: #2 (NW 21st & Burnside)

Guess what time it is?? TACO BELL TIME! You could probably tell from the title of this blog post, but just in case you read the title and thought to yourself "It can't possibly be Taco Bell time, can it?" -- it can, and it is.

I know you have been waiting for over a week for this, so without giving too much away up-front, let me just say this trip was a real surprise. Let's get started.

Today's Taco Bell: NW 21st & Burnside

I used to go to this Taco Bell when I briefly lived in the Pearl, and I have to say, this is my least favorite location. It's a small building right off Burnside and the sign is obstructed by trees and it's really easy to miss. You might think you're headed to Taco Bell only to realize blocks later you're headed away from Taco Bell. I'm not sure there's anything sadder than an unvisited Taco Bell in your rearview mirror. You really gotta be on your game with this one. 

Secondly, the drive-thru pushes you right back out onto Burnside, so there's no option to eat in the parking lot like a lady. A Taco Bell lady. The Lady of the Bell, if you will.

Service-wise, the woman on the other end of the intercom didn't hear me when I said "Grilled Stuft Burrito" and asked, "What?" 

Not "Pardon me?" or "I didn't quite catch that -- could you kindly repeat your order?" Just "What?" So I repeated my order: Grilled Stuft Burrito with beef (NO guacamole or avocado ranch), side of chips & cheese, and a small Pepsi.

"That'll be $7.37 at the window please."

I'm sorry... what? (See what I did there? She said "what" then I said "what" -- that's what we in the business call a plot twist.)

Seriously though. I have never in my life paid $7.37 for this meal. In fact just last week at the Taco Bell across town, I paid $6.77 for this exact same meal. I'll be darned. 

Did I ask about the price? No, I didn't want to interfere with the study. But you bet your sweet ass I'll be filling out the survey using the 16-digit survey code provided on my receipt as soon as I'm done typing up this blog post! 

$7.37. Outrageous.

Location: Strike one. Price: Strike two. Only one strike left -- let's see about the food, shall we?

You remember how last time I said a bit of ingredient disparity is to be expected? Well even *I* have standards when it comes to burrito fillings, and this burrito did not meet those standards.

Look at this:

That is 95% beef. Where's my beans? My rice? My sour cream mixed with onion and tomato cubes? Hm? I was only three bites in before I had to turn this sucker over and look what I found on the other end:

That's right, 95% rice. Tortilla and rice does not a burrito make, my friends! So then I end up with this unmanageable pile. It was like trying to eat yogurt out of a toilet paper roll.

I threw that thing back in the bag and snacked on a few chips w/cheese as I drove home.

Bad move. A few minutes later I look down and notice burrito grease has seeped through the foil wrapper, past a napkin, through the protective paper bag and onto my dress. 

That really chaps my hide! If that stain doesn't come out, I don't know what I'll do. I wear this dress on average once a week because it feels like pajamas but looks like a work outfit. How often does one come across such a precious item of clothing? Oh you know, just every ONCE IN A LIFETIME.

I bet you think this review can't get any worse. Well what I tell you next will make you flip a lid (foreshadowing):

I think they gave me a Diet Pepsi.

Now, I can't prove it. (There should be a thing where you can prove it!! A little dipstick or something. Science?) But you know how that very last second of a swig of diet soda tastes like weird chemicals, canceling out any sense of refreshment and basically ruining the soda experience entirely? Well that's what it tasted like. Strike three! Or four depending on if you counted the grease stain as a strike. I'm on the fence as to whether that's my fault or Taco Bell's fault.

Anyway, I ate about half my burrito pile, finished off the chips & cheese (no complaints), and this "Pepsi" is going down the sink.

Ratings

Portland's rating: 3.0 ("Great place to go when your in a taco mood" and "tacos")

ambericaonline rating: 2 stars. Honestly, when I started this series, I thought I was going to give every Taco Bell 5 stars. I love Taco Bell! But this Taco Bell really let me down, and now that I've proven that I am not affected by research bias, this project has taken on a whole new level of seriousness and I just hope you all appreciate the gravity of what I'm doing here. This isn't just about burritos. It's about burritos with a side of chips & cheese. It's about integrity. 

It's about burritos.

Well, see you in another week or so!

Your blogger,

Amber

Taco Bells of Portland: #1 (SE 50th & Powell)

Yesterday while google mapping the drive time between my apartment and my local Taco Bell, I noticed something strange: Some Taco Bells had 3-star ratings while others had only 2.5. Curious as to what might account for such a discrepancy, I decided to investigate.

This post marks the first in a new series on ambericaonline: Taco Bells of Portland, in which I work my way through all the Taco Bells in the city of Portland in a quest to determine the warm, beany truth: Are some Taco Bells better than others?

Tune in for reviews of my Taco Bell experiences every... week? No that's gross. Just every time I feel like eating Taco Bell. It's more often than you think.

First, the rules

I will order the same meal* at each Taco Bell and comment on the following:

• Service - How friendly, accurate, and prompt are the servers. Note that I will only be commenting on drive-thru service as there's no way I'm getting out of my car to order Taco Bell. Drive-thru line length will not be taken into consideration as that's not a controllable variable.
• Taste - The primary test point here is "Does it taste as expected?" I'm not looking to be blown away -- I know what I'm eating. But does it contain the expected ingredients heated to the desired temperature? If so, we have a successful meal!

*This part will be easy as I've been eating the same meal at Taco Bell for over a decade now. It used to be combo #2** -- Grilled Stuft Burrito with beef, side of chips & cheese, and a medium soda -- but in 2012 they revamped their menu and turned the GSB into a GSB XXL (now featuring guacamole and "avocado ranch"?? no.) and replacing the chips & cheese with a taco. Big mistake as far as I'm concerned, but I don't make the decisions at Taco Bell, unfortunately. So now I have to order the Grilled Stuft Burrito with beef, NO guacamole or avocado ranch, with a side of chips & cheese and a small soda because medium is just excessive. Normally I'll get a Pepsi but sometimes I might be feeling a little frisky and order a Dr. Pepper. The soda will not be factored into my review.

**heh heh

ON TO THE REVIEW!

Today's Taco Bell: SE 50th & Powell

This is my "home" Taco Bell. It's technically not the closest one, but it's the most convenient and holds a special place in my heart as the first Taco Bell I ever visited in Portland. I've probably been to this one the most times out of all the PTBs (Portland Taco Bells).

I meant to take a photo of myself in the drive-thru, but there was no one else in line (6pm on a Monday), and I'm not exaggerating when I say I was in and out of there in less than a minute. HOW DO THEY MAKE IT SO FAST?! I'll tell you how: All their ingredients are in caulk guns. They literally shoot the contents of your burrito into a tortilla, fold it up, and throw it in a bag that someone else has already added the chips & cheese to and voila: dinner.

Anyway I'll get a photo at the next one.

Service-wise, this Taco Bell can't be beat. They ask how you're doing, and if you respond "Good, thanks! How are you?" they always thank you for asking. Of course I asked! Just because you're the server and I the servee doesn't mean your well-being doesn't matter to me. It does. I care. And I'll have the Grilled Stuft Burrito with NO avocado ranch.

Driving home with a bag full of Taco Bell is always a fun experience for me. I WANT to wait til I get home to eat it, but I just don't think it's possible. As soon as I hit a red light that cheese cup's open. This trip was particularly exciting as I got stuck behind a train! I was able to unwrap my burrito and take those first few ultra-salty bites in total peace in the car (where I believe Taco Bell tastes best).

I have to admit I didn't take completely thorough mental notes of those first few bites because there was a very drunk man who, once he saw the train coming, RAN to the edge of the tracks and I think we all worried for a minute there that he was going to do something dramatic and final, but instead he just swayed back and forth looking at all the train cars. I did get a picture of him:

Anyway, by the time I got home I was about 1/4 of the way done and so far so good. One of the challenges with burritos -- and this is anywhere, not just Taco Bell -- is ingredient uniformity. I understand it, I experience it myself making tortilla-wrapped items! So I don't judge too harshly. With Taco Bell, it's kind of expected that I'll have to turn my burrito upside-down about halfway through and start eating from the other end in order to get the beans/rice/meat/whatever's missing from the first half. No points off for that.

This burrito: alright! There was one cilantro twig in there that was a bit of a shock, but I'll always welcome more greens in my Taco Bell. Gotta eat healthy, right? I finished most of my burrito.

The chips were fresh and plentiful, and the cheese warm and thick. One time (not in Portland) I got served a half-cup of watered-down nacho cheese and that was not acceptable. 1 star for that Taco Bell. I don't care where you have to cut costs, it better not be in my cheese. Like I wouldn't notice!

A few swigs of some ice-cold Dr. Pepper (feelin' frisky!) and I'd finished my meal.

Ratings

Portland's rating: 2.3 stars (I'll always link to the reviews here so you can read them yourself -- scroll down to view them all. They're a hoot.)

ambericaonline rating: 5 stars. Will definitely go again.


Correction: This post originally incorrectly identified the location of this Taco Bell at SE 52nd & Powell. Listen, I'm a burrito person, not a maps person alright?

"Ask Flarb" (Issue XXVIMML)

Dear Flarb,

How can I keep my teeth clean and healthy without using a toothbrush?

———

Teeth — HA! Here on Planet Zoltox, we do not process sustenance through our mouths. Feel free to let your useless dental instruments rot and fall out of your face. You'll see life here is much easier without them.

-Flarb

---

Dear Flarb,

Will I ever see my family again?

———

No.

-Flarb

---

Dear Flarb,

I have an advanced degree in engineering but I'm having trouble finding a job. What do you suggest?

———

I suggest reporting to the Ministry of Human Labor immediately for your assignment. There must've been some sort of administrative error — you do not need to "find" a job. There is a job that is yours, and the only thing you must "find" is yourself dutifully accepting your permanent post! Best of luck.

-Flarb

---

Dear Flarb,

Where, in time and space, are we?

———

Ah, I get this question all the time. We are currently in the Nth dimension approximately 800 billion "light years" (to put it in familiar terms) from the planet you know as Earth. But as I'm sure you can sense, our position both physically and elementally is in a constant state of flux. It is a stupid question, really.

-Flarb

---

Have a question for Flarb? Just think it! You may see yours in next week's column.

white noise app review

american zodiac signs

according to the chinese zodiac, i'm a rooster. but i've never really felt like a rooster -- they make great lawyers and maintain immaculately clean houses. LOL. i was just wondering where i could buy plates at this time of night so i wouldn't have to wash the entire set resting in my sink.

but then i realized why i don't feel like a rooster: i'm not chinese! what i need is an american zodiac system to tell me exactly who i am. so i made one. mine only has 10 years instead of 12 for simpler math.

New American Zodiac

• 1980 - newborn baby kitten: represents just how cute and cuddly you are! you may have trouble seeing things at first.
• 1981 (me!) - pink fairy armadillo: people laugh at you -- you're so funny! -- but many forget you are actually very sensitive under that tough (yet beautiful) pink shell of yours.
• 1982 - wombat: you like to dig holes and spend your time in them. you do not gather soil in your backwards-facing pouch, figuratively speaking.
• 1983 - octopus: you are so freaky. how are you even real? omg stop.
• 1984 - walrus: you are the life of the party. seriously, think about if a walrus showed up at your party. you'd be like whoa let's go hang out with that guy.
• 1985 - ostrich: you would give anything to fly.
• 1986 - chupacabra: you're kind of a loner. people might like you more if you quit it with the goat's blood.
• 1987 - the lobster from little mermaid: you are such a great singer! a little uptight though.
• 1988 - mini shetland pony: basically everybody wants you.
• 1989 - axolotl: your youthful appearance and ability to regrow almost all your body parts makes you a real catch! haha get it? because you live in the water.

well i hope you're happy with your new american zodiac sign. i worked on this for about an hour so it's pretty legit.

---

note: i am aware there is a native american "zodiac" or totem animals -- this list is not meant to disregard or replace that. in fact, today i found out in some native american cultures, i'm a red fox!

"You incorporate a sense of play into the tribal community that is vital. Without your levity and high energy your clansmen would be left deflated. You bolster those around you by encouraging laughter, teamwork and a sense of camaraderie. You can be fickle and flighty in your intellectual pursuits which often leads you back to playful tricks and antics. You are endearing and lovable, but to a point."

isn't that SO ME, you guys?!

conversations with a minotaur

saturday, january 31, 5:45 am

minotaur (to his girlfriend): hey babe, i can't sleep. wanna play jacks on the hardwood floor of my 2nd story apartment?

girlfriend: what a great idea! but do you think it might wake your downstairs neighbor? i bet she's a regular person who likes to get a full night's sleep.

minotaur: wake her?! this building is over a hundred years old! [stomps on floor] the walls and ceilings are as thick as my thighs!

girlfriend: your logic is so sound. that's why i love you even though my family has disowned me for dating a minotaur. get out those jacks!

8 signs you're friends with björk

1. she writes you letters in icelandic (you don't speak icelandic).

2. one time she showed up at your front door dressed in a polar bear rug and asked if you wanted to go "sweeping." you didn't know what she meant, but said yes anyway, and you went and you still don't know what she meant.

3. she periodically sends you crates with instructions to NEVER open them. there are things inside that make noises. you have 17 in your basement.

4. you've met all her aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and cousins, but have never seen her children.

5. her voicemail greeting is something about being in an "ocean heart" -- you've listened to it a hundred times and still can't make it out.

6. you've only ever seen her eat mushrooms she grows in the forest behind her house, and you've never seen mushrooms like this anywhere else. they're translucent and have tiny little faces.

7. at sporting events, she stands and screams when everyone else is quiet and vice versa. you smuggle in a thermos of hot tea with honey for her throat.

8. you once took her shopping for her birthday and she just cried silently the whole time.

This fall on Animal Planet

Everyone knows about Henry VIII. There are even chapters in textbooks about Henries I - VII. But very few people have heard about Henry IX.

"But I thought Henry VIII didn't have any legitimate sons!"

He didn't.

...OR DID HE?

"He didn't."

You're right. But he did have a wily, rascally cat! 

Introducing: Henry IX, the cat with IX lives and just as many wives!

Tune in for adventures like: 

• Henry IX tricks Cardinal Woolsey (a cardinal) into being his friend, then eats him!
• Henry IX gets locked out of his castle overnight and sires 900 kittens — all female!
• Henry IX orders the beheading of his wife, CATherine.

Critics call Henry IX "a show that practically writes itself" and "full of cats." We tried to get one of them to say "meow-velous!" but they refused.

Catch Henry IX Thursdays at 9/8 central, right after The Dogtors.