How can I keep my teeth clean and healthy without using a toothbrush?
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Teeth — HA! Here on Planet Zoltox, we do not process sustenance through our mouths. Feel free to let your useless dental instruments rot and fall out of your face. You'll see life here is much easier without them.
-Flarb
Dear Flarb,
Will I ever see my family again?
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No.
-Flarb
Dear Flarb,
I have an advanced degree in engineering but I'm having trouble finding a job. What do you suggest?
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I suggest reporting to the Ministry of Human Labor immediately for your assignment. There must've been some sort of administrative error — you do not need to "find" a job. There is a job that is yours, and the only thing you must "find" is yourself dutifully accepting your permanent post! Best of luck.
-Flarb
Dear Flarb,
Where, in time and space, are we?
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Ah, I get this question all the time. We are currently in the Nth dimension approximately 800 billion "light years" (to put it in familiar terms) from the planet you know as Earth. But as I'm sure you can sense, our position both physically and elementally is in a constant state of flux. It is a stupid question, really.
-Flarb
Have a question for Flarb? Just think it! You may see yours in next week's column.
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