amber's guide to online dating

single ladies, it's tough out there. if you're thinking about trying online dating, or have tried it without much success, listen to me! i have accumulated WEEKS of online dating experiences so that i could share my wisdom with you.

1. don't ever express interest in another human being. it is a sign of weakness. remember: you are fiercely independent and need no one. ever. but you are available to tend to another person's needs, always.
   
2. definitely do not suggest you and the other person hang out -- what are you, desperate for human connection??
3. only respond to texts. do NOT initiate texting! it's needy and annoying. if a man isn't texting you, just sit alone in a dark room until he does. be willing to wait there forever. bring some water, and maybe a deck of cards.
4. when (if) he DOES text, determine the exact amount of time he considers appropriate for a response. you may not have much info to go off of, but dedicate all your energy to figuring it out. absolutely never EVER reply to a text right away -- only losers and gross people sometimes happen to be looking at their phones when a text appears.
5. finally, if you've somehow magically secured an actual date, do not show up early, late, or on time. each of these options carries significant meaning that reflects on you as a person, all of them bad. don't dress up, but don't dress "like yourself" either -- remember: being yourself is what got you here in the first place! be funny but not too funny, tell stories but don't be interested in them, be a person but not a complete human person, and most importantly, at the end of the date, stand stone-still up against a wall avoiding all eye contact and SAY NOTHING.

 if you're lucky, you'll get to do it again in a week or so!

note: i once heard of a woman who called a guy on the phone, like to talk, and now she's banned from dating in all of the northwestern united states and parts of canada.