i think: having children (for real)

ok my last post was a joke (i remembered how i liked jokes). but now that i've gotten that out of the way, let me write a few paragraphs because my thoughts meet the minimum importance requirement for inclusion on the internet.

i'll start with a few facts: this year i turn 35, i don't have a partner with whom i'd like to make and raise children (see post 1), and i could either afford child care or my rent, but not both, and they don't let you live at the daycare, even though no one's using that space overnight.

aside from the facts, though, i don't feel like it. i haven't felt like having a kid for 8 years now. the last time i wanted a kid was when i was getting married, and everything i wanted at that point in my life (including marriage ...and lots of dresses) came from this desperate urge to not be depressed anymore.

i didn't know at the time what i was experiencing was depression -- i just thought it was adulthood. but adulthood isn't crying daily and feeling no connection to your life. that's depression (i'll write another post about that later).

so i no longer take seriously the things i think i want when i'm depressed, even though i think i want them SO BADLY. because once i'm feeling fine, i do not want those things, and i think what you want for yourself when you're feeling fine is really what you want for yourself. hard to tell in the moment, but that's the theory i try to function off of.

anyway, i don't want kids. i could go into all sorts of reasonable explanations, like "seems like there's enough new humans on the planet at the moment, i could just take one of the existing ones if i wanted" or "i'm not sure earth will be a nice place to live in the next couple generations" or "i like naps," but really i just don't feel like it. having a kid seems to be one of those things people do because they want to, period. if you don't have to have a reason for it, i shouldn't have to have a reason against it. just don't feel like it.

people ask, "but who's going to take care of you when you're old?" the same as you, i suppose. either the people who love me or a paid professional if they're not available.

and people tell me "it's the most amazing experience you can have in this life," and you know, i believe that. i see it second-hand through my nephew, through my friends' kids, and one time i even got to take photos at my the birth of my friend's son, and holy shit, i will never forget the feelings in the room that night. and that wasn't even my kid! i can't imagine the intensity of love parents feel. it looks amazing. i believe it's beyond anything i can even imagine.

but it's ok i don't get to experience that. i'm not convinced we all get to experience the most amazing experience in the world. i'll take some of the other, lesser experiences and be ok with my little collection. because they're the ones i want.