Buttwipes of Portland: #1 (Swipes Lovin Wipes)

"What ever happened to Taco Bells of Portland??" people are always asking me in my mind. And while ok I didn't review every Taco Bell in town, I did answer the most pressing questions of our time: Are all Taco Bells created equal (no) and where can you, dear readers, find the best grilled stuft burrito in a 10-mile radius (NE MLK and Lombard and SE 50th and Powell).

I may be done with that phase of my investigative journalism career, but I'd like to bring it full-circle and present to you a new series: "Buttwipes of Portland." By "of Portland" I don't mean these buttwipes can only be found in Portland. I'm going to review buttwipes that have a Portland feel to them, so not your Rite Aid options, but your Whole Foods and your New Seasons buttwipes. Perhaps there's an artisinal personal hygiene pop-up shop in town. I'll find out.

Why buttwipes? Well, it's summer, it's hot out there, and sometimes you just want a fresh butt, alright? Listen either you understand me or you've never used buttwipes before.

I'll start by saying I normally buy the Target-brand buttwipes, because I'm at Target*, sometimes they're on sale for $3.33 for the double-pack, and they do the trick.

*chances are I'm at Target right now.

But the other day I decided to treat my butt to something new, and I picked up the cucumber-scented Swipes Lovin Wipes at Whole Foods.

Now, if you're a cucumber lover like me, you want that stuff everywhere. On your face, in your water, in between where the sun don't shine. And let me tell you -- it is a delight! The scent alone makes these worth the extra $0.08 per wipe. Actually now that I type that I realize it's not true. BUT, there are other benefits to the Swipes. Gather 'round.

First, they're eco-friendly. The package says things like "gentler on the environment" and "made with pure water." Plus it uses 70% less plastic than the traditional pop-top wipes! Is that not worth almost a dime a wipe? ...Eh!

Here's the real clincher (hehe) for me, though: Swipes Lovin Wipes are made in the good ol' U.S. of A., which means someday you or I could work in R&D at Swipes Inc.! I didn't even know I had a dream job til now.

Finally, I like how Swipes tells you what it's for. Most buttwipe packaging beats around the bush (hehe again! killin it). I thought the "Lovin" part of the name just meant Swipes would be good to my butt -- is that not the definition of love? But these ones are marketed as a cleansing product for pre- and post-lovin! I love that!

That and so much more.

In conclusion, Swipes Lovin Wipes are worth the $4.99 at Whole Foods. They'll replace my generic up & up wipes once I get through the six packs I bulk bought last time I was at Target. That is... unless a new contender emerges.

Stay tuned for more Buttwipes of Portland, and stay fresh, everyone.