freeform

hi i'm going to write a life update interspersed with things i found in my old journals. stay tuned.

wow thank you for keep reading! 

listen, am i happy right now? absolutely. why? well 1.5 glasses of red wine in my fridge that hadn't gone sour yet, AND it's my last week of work at my job. boy i love [some parts of] my job, but it's just time to move along little dogies, so that's what i'm doing, and i'm real excited about this new job. i love new stuff!

speaking of i got a new car too, good job self.

**EXCERPT**

Rob Roccoli

**[when you say it out loud it sounds like "raw broccoli," unless you said it wrong.]**

here are some things i like about myself: i know things about myself and i'm ok with them. like, you can't be amazing at everything. i suck at some things, take it or leave it.

for example i'm a terrible cook and i don't care and i'm never going to learn. tonight i tried to make the last of my free blue apron meals that my sister gifted me, and i opened up the chicken for the chicken and potato stew, and it smelled like a hobo's armpit. like, i waited almost two weeks to make it and i guess i just thought chicken would last as long as i needed it to.

it doesn't. that's just the laws of chicken, my friend. 

so i made a potato stew instead and guess what? it sucked, it was clearly missing a key ingredient. i don't care because you know, i'm VERY good at ordering food from restaurants. going to a restaurant but don't know what you want? don't worry, i do. you'll love it, i promise.

**EXCERPT**

listen, i know this isn't healthy. i've seen the nutrition information, it's shocking. and i know that someday i'll be wasting away in a hospital bed and i'll ask "doc, what is it?" and he or she will reply, "you know, normally we can't pinpoint specific causes -- there are always multiple factors at work -- but in YOUR case, we were actually able to trace your rapid and painful decline directly to the number of grilled stuft burritos you ate. otherwise you'd be in perfect health!"

i know this.

but sometimes, you have to make sacrifices for what you believe in. and i believe in burrito-related investigative journalism.**

**[this was part of a Taco Bells of Portland i never wrote]**

another thing i like: my body. i can count a dozen or more things 'wrong' with my physical appearance, but you know what? i don't care. again, take it or leave it. this thing works mostly really well, and it may look a little weird but i love it. if a genie came and said "i'll fix anything you want on your body" i'd be like nah that's alright, because what if even one little change made me a different person? right when i've gotten used to this one. and i don't know for sure yet, but i bet i'm still gonna love it when i'm all old and wrinkly and my bum hip don't work no-more, because of all the good times it gave me. good ol' thing.

**EXCERPT**

"If you ain't eatin honey, you ain't eatin, honey!"

HONEY. It may come from a bee's butt, but it tastes like it came from God's joyful tears (that He cried at the return of his only Son, who once had this to say about honey:

**[that's all there is on this page. i guess i never finished my commercial for honey.]**

anyway the only thing i truly want in life is cate blanchett's red carpet wardrobe.

thanks for reading my blog, goodnight!

marketing: outdoors gear

this stuff practically writes itself.

Taco Bells of Iceland: #1 (on the way to the Reykjavik airport)

That's right, my friends! Your favorite series where I review local Taco Bells is back, and this time it's "betra" than ever: because it's from Iceland!

When I told people I was going to Iceland they said, "Try the whale blubber!" "Eat a puffin!" "If you hold your nose the fermented shark isn't that bad!" And to that I said: "Nei takk."

I may be an adventurous eater, but I listen to what my body wants. If I'd woken up craving fermented shark, fermented shark I'd eat. But after 16 days abroad eating local cuisines and fancy restaurant food, there was one thing my body wanted, and one thing my body got.

Taco Bell.

Let me back up: Iceland is a magical place. My first full day there I saw five rainbows. FIVE -- two of which were a double rainbow, and one beamed right down onto a waterfall. I soaked in two natural hot springs right out there in nature. I sat in a sauna powered by a GEYSER. Like, I get why all Icelanders are musicians and artists. Just look at this place!

So it was almost no surprise to me when I saw a Taco Bell on the way to the airport. I'd been so blessed already, it just made sense. And I'd left with plenty of time for a side of adventure.

When I pulled up, I had to make sure they actually had my meal -- Grilled Stuft Burrito with beef, no guacamole or avocado ranch, side of nachos and a small Pepsi. The Reykjavik Taco Bell has a limited menu, but that's probably because they know what works and what's a waste of time. The GSB combo was T6 -- the last combo. I breathed a sigh of relief and ordered a T6.

"Do you want the menu?" The intercom woman asked.

"No, I can see it, thanks! I'll just have the Grilled Stuft Burrito combo please," I replied.

"The menu?" She persisted.

"The burrito with the nachos and Pepsi?" I asked.

"Yes, the menu!"

We'd had a breakthrough. "Menu" is Icelandic for "combo!" Culture. Learning. Sharing. This is what travel is all about, folks.

So I ordered the GSB menu and pulled forward to the window, which turned out to be a surprise and a delight. Now, in addition to being magical, Iceland is really windy. Like the windiest place I've ever been -- I almost fell over trying to take a selfie in front of a different waterfall. How do you exchange money for food in such wind, you might be asking. Well my friend, these industrious islanders solved that problem long ago. Check out this window system:

You're supposed to strap your money in (I just laid it down, like a tourist) and it swivels around to the indoors, and they do the same with your food and swivel it back out to you! Ingenuity. Art. Burritos.

The meal cost me 1,329 kr, which is about $10 which yes, is the most I've ever paid for the GSB combo. But I wasn't about to skip out on the chance to eat my favorite meal in my favorite place just to save $3.

I pulled into a parking spot and took a bite. So...

Imagine if a bad guy broke into your house and held a gun to your head and said "Make me a burrito!" and you're like "Oh gosh, do I even have all the ingredients for a burrito??" But he doesn't care, he's a bad guy and he's HUNGRY. So you pull out some kind-of stale tortillas, some ground beef, and a bag of Mexican cheese you have leftover from a party for some reason. You microwave all that, then put it on the stove for a second for that authentic grilled effect. You feed it to the bad guy, praying he'll accept the dry, tasteless disaster you just served him as an actual burrito.

Listen, it wasn't good. But if I'm the bad guy in this situation, I accept it and I don't shoot anyone in the head. These guys are on a tiny island in the arctic reaches of the globe -- they don't have access to the same fresh, delicious ingredients you and I do here in America! Was it the worst GSB I've ever had by a long shot? Absolutely. Do I regret any part of this experience? Get out of my face for even asking.

As far as the rest of the menu was concerned, the chips were way too salty, but it's good to know that nacho cheese and Pepsi are the same across the globe. If you ever need to taste the comforts of home, just get yourself a little plastic cup of bright orange cheese goo. Like milk from a mother's teat.

In the end, I learned that what Iceland lacks in Mexican seasoning, it makes up for in natural beauty. It may not have soft tortillas, but it does have a special place in my heart. It may not be able to make a burrito to save its life, but it should stay alive for other reasons, like geysers, and puffins, and that really cool window contraption. Ég elska Ísland.

ambericaonline's rating: 5 rainbows

 

amazing

did you guys see the photos of that rare white whale?

can i tell you guys something?

i've gone to two more taco bells and i don't feel like writing about it. i don't want to review taco bells anymore.

it's like when you turn your passion into your job and then you no longer enjoy it? it's quite common amongst us artists. and if i can't enjoy my grilled stuft burrito, well, i'm not really sure what the point of any of this is.

i don't want to leave you empty-handed though, so let me share this one final story from the taco bell on NE interstate & going:

i drove up to the window -- it was a hot summer day. a fuzzy from a nearby cottonwood tree floated between me and the guy holding my bag of food. it floated towards me, as if it wanted to catch a ride home. i reached out to grab it, but missed, and it floated instead toward jeff,* who also tried to grab it but missed.

"i know they're not alive, but..." jeff laughed.

"but they clearly have souls," i replied.

jeff handed me my burrito and told me to have a lovely evening. and you know what? i did.

*i have no idea what his name was.

amber's guide to online dating

single ladies, it's tough out there. if you're thinking about trying online dating, or have tried it without much success, listen to me! i have accumulated WEEKS of online dating experiences so that i could share my wisdom with you.

1. don't ever express interest in another human being. it is a sign of weakness. remember: you are fiercely independent and need no one. ever. but you are available to tend to another person's needs, always.
   
2. definitely do not suggest you and the other person hang out -- what are you, desperate for human connection??
3. only respond to texts. do NOT initiate texting! it's needy and annoying. if a man isn't texting you, just sit alone in a dark room until he does. be willing to wait there forever. bring some water, and maybe a deck of cards.
4. when (if) he DOES text, determine the exact amount of time he considers appropriate for a response. you may not have much info to go off of, but dedicate all your energy to figuring it out. absolutely never EVER reply to a text right away -- only losers and gross people sometimes happen to be looking at their phones when a text appears.
5. finally, if you've somehow magically secured an actual date, do not show up early, late, or on time. each of these options carries significant meaning that reflects on you as a person, all of them bad. don't dress up, but don't dress "like yourself" either -- remember: being yourself is what got you here in the first place! be funny but not too funny, tell stories but don't be interested in them, be a person but not a complete human person, and most importantly, at the end of the date, stand stone-still up against a wall avoiding all eye contact and SAY NOTHING.

 if you're lucky, you'll get to do it again in a week or so!

note: i once heard of a woman who called a guy on the phone, like to talk, and now she's banned from dating in all of the northwestern united states and parts of canada.

you're not *totally* alone

Hi, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, Ghost Therapist.

• Are you feeling invisible (instead of translucent)?
• Having trouble finding your place in the afterlife?
• When's the last time you felt "spooky"?

Just because you're doomed to wander the earth for time eternal doesn't mean you have to be so glum about it. Check out these testi-moan-ials from some of my former clients:

"I used to float down hallways with no purpose at all. I'd go through walls secretly wishing I'd get stuck there. It wasn't until I talked to Amber that I truly embraced my ghosthood. Amber helped me get my BOO back!" —Estelle, a ghost

"Even though [Amber] is not a ghost, she truly understands the struggles of being a ghost -- living in the same old dusty house forever, children always running away from you in fear, getting super bored. But she was able to help me find my inner purpose and now I'm haunting like I've never haunted before! I'm no longer 'just a ghost'... I'm the ghost with the most." —Harold, a ghost

"Back when we were alive, we hardly ever fought. But after the fire, it took us a long time to sort through our feelings of resentment, guilt, anger, and being cold all the time. Through Amber's coaching, we've been able to learn how to communicate with each other using Ouija boards and writing notes in blood on mirrors (you have to write each letter backwards, not just the words). And now we have a chore wheel -- we take turns making spooky noises and knocking objects off shelves. We still have a lot of work to do, but at least we're working together." —Katie and Carl, ghost couple

If you're a ghost who's not reaching your full potential, contact me. We'll turn that "boo hoo" into "ooooooh... oooOOOOooooh!"

Call 1-800-OK-GHOST.

how do they do it??

WHAT IS THIS SOUND

if you've ever heard me talk about my apartment, you've heard me complain about the loud strange whistling that happens every day and whose source i can't identify. i've had to endure this annoying whistling since i moved here in october, and i'm getting stabby.

this morning was particularly active, so i grabbed my phone and stood on my front steps and recorded 4 minutes of noises coming from the top of my building (which i've edited down to just over 30 seconds here).

WHAT IS THIS.



if this is a bird, i'd like to nominate it for extinction.

if this is a person with a whistle (my theory)... i honestly don't know what to do. i've walked around the top floors of my building, i've gone up the fire escape to look at the roof -- i don't know where it's coming from. the time i stood out front and yelled "HEY WHAT'S UP WITH THE WHISTLING" went unanswered. and the one time i asked a passing neighbor "have you heard that whistling!?" he was like "oh weird! never heard it before!" and you know, i just feel like i'm not making friends in my building.

i don't think you can call the cops and say "hi, cops? there's maybe a person (maybe a bird) whistling loudly somewhere in or on my apartment building. he (or it) is very elusive once pursued. please investigate."

and i think there are rules about posting threatening flyers everywhere. plus i don't have a printer.

anyway, i guess what i'm asking is does anyone want to join the ambericaonline army for peace and quiet? there's no uniforms, but we walk around barefoot and gently shush offenders. if i find who or what is making this noise, though, somebody better hold me back.

STAND-UP JOKES VIDEO!

do you wanna see me do stand-up?

dreams come true: